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| Posted by Courtney A. Owen on 14-Aug-2005 | Do you like pussycats?Goldie was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked, Do you like pussycats?"
With that the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know that my name was Katz?"
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| Posted by Christina on 14-Aug-2005 | Gay GorillaTwo gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it.
One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage.
An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital.
The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."
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| Posted by Jared Simons on 14-Aug-2005 | Bubba?A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said,
"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times."
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.
He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said,
"Is that you, Bubba?"
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| Posted by RICK S on 14-Aug-2005 | Sex & WeightSex is the best way to lose weight. Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement..............................12 cal
Without her agreement..........................187 cal
TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands..................................8 cal
With one hand...................................12 cal
With one hand being slapped..............37 cal
With the mouth..................................85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection......................................6 cal
Without erection..............................315 cal
PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris......................8 cal
Trying to find G spot..........................92 cal
Without caring at all............................0 cal
WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up..................................12 cal
Just on the floor.................................8 cal
POSITIONS
daddy-mummy.................................12 cal
69 laying...........................................8 cal
69 standing up................................112 cal
Trolley............................................216 cal
Italian chandelier.............................912 cal
HAVING AN ORGASM
Real...........................................112 cal
Fake...........................................315 cal
POST ORGASM
Staying in bed......................................18 cal
Jumping off the bed...............................36 cal
Explaining why she jumped off the bed...816 cal
GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age........12 cal
from 20 to 29...................................36 cal
from 30 to 39..................................108 cal
from 40 to 49..................................324 cal
from 50 to 59..................................972 cal
over 60.........................................2916 cal
PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly..............................................32 cal
Being in a hurry..................................98 cal
With her husband opening the door...1218 cal
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():sex jokes (1888): Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men's Response) |
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| Posted by TAISHA on 14-Aug-2005 | Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men's Response)Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on you?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls! If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get B. J. often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
Man's reply to Woman's B. J. Etiquette
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. if you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any.
6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the smell off your breath we would stick around afterward.
7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.
8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the sh*t end of the stick in flavor country.
10. At least there is no danger of bleeding in your mouth
11. Play with the balls
12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
13. B. Js are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.
15. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
16. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?
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| Posted by Siemen on 14-Aug-2005 | A Little Lovin'A husband cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied.
"Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.
His wife retorted: "What do you think I am, a fuckin' microwave?"
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