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():love jokes (2491): Do You Smell What the Chef Is Cooking? |
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| Posted by Eliza M. Lenz on 14-Aug-2005 | Do You Smell What the Chef Is Cooking?Arriving home one evening, Joshua, a chef, finds a note from his
wife at the living room, which reads:
Hi Dear,
I've gone out with a friend; I got no time to cook for you. Cook
for yourself, in any case, you are a chef, aren't you?
Hope to see you later for a sexy evening.
Lilly
Though the chef was very pissed off, he goes ahead and cooks for
himself. Later that night, his wife arrives home and heads
straight into the bedroom, where she finds a note on the bed
from the chef, which reads:
Hi Sweetheart,
I've also gone out, I got no time to fuck you tonight, but I
left an eighteen-inch vibrator under the pillow, big enough for
you. Please find time to fuck yourself, in any case you're a
slut aren't you?
I'll be fucking a tighter pussy. Hope to see you later for
breakfast.
Josh.
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| Posted by Jason J. Barber on 14-Aug-2005 | Memory SchoolTwo elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Thursday evenings as they had
done for the past 35 years. Jim, the older man, had been having problems
remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of of the card game Ed said to Jim, "You did very well tonight.
You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Jim replied, "Why, ever
since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at
all!" "Memory school...what memory school?" his friend asks. Jim thought
for a moment "Oh! What's that flower that's red with thorns? A really
really pretty flower?" "A rose," his friend replies. "Yeah....that's it!"
Jim turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that
memory school you sent me to?"
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| Posted by Kayli on 14-Aug-2005 | 12 Days of ChristmasDecember 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please
stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just
lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
=========================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you
rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole
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():love jokes (2491): Top 16 Fatal Things to say to your Pregnant Wife |
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| Posted by dave j. lochner on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 16 Fatal Things to say to your Pregnant Wife1. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs
forty pounds."
2. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee
had a baby!"
3. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever!"
4. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl."
5. "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise
visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
6. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,
that's gotta hurt!"
7. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!"
8. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of
childbirth?"
9. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
10. "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
11. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
12. "Got milk?"
13. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
14. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of
Madagascar!"
15. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
16. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."
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| Posted by Brock A. Simpson on 14-Aug-2005 | The Shoe Store GuyOne day, there was a woman who went to the shoe store to buy a new pair of
shoes.
She picked out some shoes that she fancied, and she sat down to try them
on. The shoe salesman rushed to help her.
As he was slipping a pair of high heels on her feet, he looked up her
skirt and noticed that she wasn't wearing underwear. This made him
extremely horny, and he just couldn't help himself. He said to her, "I
want to fill your pussy up with ice cream and eat it out."
The woman became flustered and quickly left the store.
When her husband came home that night, she told him what had happened. He
had three things to say. "First of all, you don't need to be buying any
more shoes. You already have a hundred pairs in your closet. Second, you
shouldn't be going around with no underwear on. It's cold outside. Third,
I'm not going to mess with a man who can eat that much ice cream."
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| Posted by Dante Cardella on 14-Aug-2005 | A Special DayOver breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet
you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to
the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door,
she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite
chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!"
she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in
my life!"
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