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| Posted by Lynox Norman on 11-Aug-2005 | Doctor's Appt.A women has a doctor's appt. and when she gets home she sees her husband of 20 years sitting on the couch. He notices a big smile on her face and asks her why she is so happy. She says "Well Honey I had a Doctor's appt. today and he said I had the breasts of a 20 year old.......So that's why I am so Happy!" The husband replies "What did he say about your 50 year old ass?" The wife quickly respondes "Actually Honey he never mentioned your name at all!"
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| Posted by Aardvark on 11-Aug-2005 | Diary of a Viagra WifeDay 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry", thing again, I'll kill the *******.
Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.
Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f... himself and he did.
Day 16.
The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
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| Posted by Bear on 11-Aug-2005 | Surprise PackageAt an out of town bar, a young man was watching a very pretty brunette in a corner booth. After a couple of drinks he got up the nerve to walk over and ask to buy her a drink. To his surprise she invited him to join her.
They have a great time and she invites him to her place after a few more drinks.
When they arrive at her place she says she wants to get comfortable and she leaves the room to change. The young man pulls out a cigerette but can't find a lighter so he asks the lady if she has one.
She tells him to look in the drawer by the bed. He does and he finds the matches and a picture of a man stuffed into the drawer.
The woman comes out of the bathroom in a slinky teddy and they start to go at it pretty heavy, but the young man starts to get nervous about the picture. So he decides to ask. "Is that a picture of your husband in the drawer?"
" No silly." she answered, and they started up again.
She rolled over for him to enter her for anal sex, but he is still worried. " Is it your boyfriend" he asks.
" No silly," she answered again.
Soon the young man explodes in the woman, rolls over exhausted but still worried.
"Well who the heck is the guy in the picture?" he finally asks in annoyance.
She sits up next to him, takes a match out of the box strikes it across her face and lights a cigerette for him. " Oh, that was me before the operation."
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| Posted by Andrina T. Phillip on 11-Aug-2005 | Goin' to ChicagoTwo old senile men roomed across from one another at a nursing home. Bill fancied himself a race car driver, and one day the nurse heard him making noises and came running to his room.
"Bill, what are you doing?" she cried. "I just got my new Ferrari and I'm taking it out for a test drive!" "Okay, but be careful" she said and closed his bedroom door.
The next day Bill was again causing a ruckus and the nurse came to check. "Bill, what are you doing?" "I'm driving my new Ferrari to Chicago - vrrrooomm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Okay, but be careful" she said and closed his bedroom door.
The next day she heard moaning and groaning from Bob's room across the hall from Bill"s. She walked in to find Bob furiously masturbating. "Bob, what the hell are you doing?" Bob looked up and said "I'm fucking Bill's wife while he's in Chicago."
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| Posted by Imfuktup Man on 11-Aug-2005 | Double takeOne day a woman archeologist found a magic lamp and rubbed it, and a genie popped out. "you have three wishes." he said "but your husband gets twice as much." "i wish for a pile of dimonds" poof! she got a pile of dimonds. poof! her husband got two. you have 2 wishes left." said the geinie. "iwish for a pile of gold." poof! she got a pile of gold. poof! her husband got two. "you have 1 wish left. remember your husband gets twice as much.' so she thought real hard and finaly said "i wish for you to scare me half to death."
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| Posted by Rebecca L. O'Quinn on 11-Aug-2005 | GunscopeThis hit man decided he needed a new scope for his sniper. So he heads to this new shop that had just opened up and walks in. He introduces himself to the owner and tells him he has $20000 to spend on a new scope. The owner says "well i have this new one that just got in, it can see ages away. If you look through that window there you can see my house on that hill. "So the customer looks through the scope at the house.The owner asks "well what d'ya see?" the customer looks at him wryly and says "i can a man and a women running around naked" the owner reaches behind his counter and pulls out 2 bullets and says "if you take these 2 bullets and blow my wife's head off and that milk man's dick off i'll give you the scope for free" so the customer loads the bullets and looks through the scope and says "ya know what? i reckon i can do that in one shot."
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