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():sex jokes (1888): Doctor's Prescription for Premature Ejaculation |
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| Posted by Slim Caity on 14-Aug-2005 | Doctor's Prescription for Premature EjaculationA man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go
to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two
begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later,
feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did
it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well..when I fired the pistol my wife crapped
on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the
closet with his hands in the air!"
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| Posted by Leo Sanabria on 14-Aug-2005 | I want NatalieThe madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His
clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the
madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one
of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see
Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges
$1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and
handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon
the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that
no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no
discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money,
the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end
of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my
services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man
replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister
who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to
give to you."
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| Posted by Payway Elbertse on 14-Aug-2005 | How OldA police man was on duty one night and he headed up to "Make out
Mountain" to try to catch some couples in the act. When he got
up there he stopped at the first car where a couple sat, and was
surprised to see the man was reading and the girl next to him
was knitting. He tapped on the window and said he was with the
police department then asked how old he was and the guy said,
"I'm 22 sir." "Well how old is she?" the officer then asked.
Looking at his watch the guy replied, "She'll be 18 in about 6
minutes."
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| Posted by Lisa S. Shn on 14-Aug-2005 | Little RedLittle Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and deliver a
basket of goodies to Grandmother when her mother stopped her,
saying "Little Red, you had better be careful in the woods
because the Big Bad Wolf is out today. If he catches you, he is
going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little
red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
"Oh I'll be all right," Little Red answered as she pulled out a
rather large shotgun from the basket she was carrying. Assured
that her daughter would be safe, she allowed Little Red to leave
the house and begin the journey to Grandmother's house.
Along the trail in the woods Little Red came across her friends
the three little pigs (don't ask what they are doing in the
woods, after all it is just a joke)
"Little Red, Little Red," they called to her, "you had better be
careful because the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods today. He said
that if he catches you, he is going to lift up your little red
dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little
red socks off."
After showing them the shotgun and assuring her friends that she
would be all right, Little Red continued her journey to
Grandmother's.
Just then the Big Bad Wolf appeared and he said, "Little Red at
last I found you. You know what's going to happen now, right? I
am going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little
red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
"I don't think so..." Little Red replied as she leveled the
shotgun at the wolf. She then lifted up her little red dress,
and pulled down her little red panties and said, "you're going
to eat me just like the book says...."
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| Posted by Herman on 14-Aug-2005 | The Clever ManThere were once 3 men who lived in jail. One was rather stupid,
one was a bit more clever, and one was the cleverest (the clever
man). They were all guilty of their convicted crimes but decided
to escape.
During the escape they had to cross one large field. The clever
man crossed it by crawling behind a hedgerow, the slightly
clever man ran across, and the stupid man carelessly strode
across the field, whistling ten green bottles (sitting on a
wall), and taking his time.
Now, two lesbians owned this field, and hearing the whistling,
stopped the men. "You have been trespassing" they both said in
unison. "...and for that you shall be punished." The Lesbians,
not knowing that these men had just escaped from jail said, "We
shall now legally (this was in Indonesia) remove your genitiles
in a manner according to your job."
The dumb man, not thinking said- "Oh yes, I'm a butcher!"-- they
sliced his penis off like ham.
The slightly clever man was about to say that he was a chemist,
but with thought that the lesbians might be in possession of
sulphuric acid (remember that this was in Indonesia) said, "I'm
a Lumberjack" - he wanted the pain to be quick.... and so it
was. Just in one single chop.
The lesbians were enjoying this, and with smug faces (otherwise
known as the Anne Robinson from Watchdog face) turned to the
clever man, who said-with an equally smug face- "Oh me....I test
lollipops."
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| Posted by Joshua R. Cameron on 14-Aug-2005 | Burning CaloriesSex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight Look
how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement - 12 cal
Without her agreement - 187 cal
TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands - 8 cal
With one hand - 12 cal
With one hand being slapped - 37 cal
With the mouth - 85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection - 6 cal
Without erection - 315 cal
PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal
Trying to find G spot - 92 cal
Without caring at all - 0 cal
WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up - 12 cal
Just on the floor - 8 cal
POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy - 12 cal
69 laying - 8 cal
69 standing up - 112 cal
Trolley - 216 cal
Italian chandelier - 912 cal
HAVING AN ORGASM
Real - 112 cal
Fake - 315 cal
POST ORGASM
Staying in bed - 8 cal
Jumping off the bed - 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed -816 cal
GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age -12 cal
from 20 to 29 - 36 cal
from 30 to 39 - 108 cal
from 40 to 49 - 324 cal
from 50 to 59 - 972 cal
over 60 - 2916 cal
PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly - 32 cal
Being in a hurry - 98 cal
With her husband opening the door- 218 cal
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