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| Posted by julian t. mansfield on 11-Aug-2005 | Ernie the HamsterIf you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" They shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.
Enough said.
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():sex jokes (1888): One day Confucious say... |
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| Posted by Laura Nowicki on 11-Aug-2005 | One day Confucious say...Confucious say...
...woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.
...man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.
...man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.
...boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.
...man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!
...he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.
...he who smoke pot, choke on handle.
...woman who wear g-string, high on crack!
...he who stand on toilet, high on pot!
...boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!
...girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!
...man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!
...man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!
...he who masturbate, screw only himself!
...he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!
...dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!
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():sex jokes (1888): The Geography of Men and Woman |
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| Posted by Jamaahl Boxx on 11-Aug-2005 | The Geography of Men and WomanThe Geography of a Woman
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Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
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Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
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| Posted by s242 on 11-Aug-2005 | Famous QuotesAh, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams
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():sex jokes (1888): Rejected Childrens Book Titles |
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| Posted by Kevin A. Mccarthy on 11-Aug-2005 | Rejected Childrens Book TitlesMORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:
1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator
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| Posted by Earl the man on 11-Aug-2005 | Ride 'em Cowboy!Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.
"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.
"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.
"No you can't," said Ted.
"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.
"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.
"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.
The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.
He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.
"Remember three months ago," Ed said...
"When my wife had whooping cough...?"
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