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| Posted by RoCkEr BaBe on 10-Aug-2005 | Eternal JudgmentRun Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same
day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They
start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on
one condition ??” they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.
Run Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with
them."
Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the
money I have."
Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street
feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a Pizzeria. He smells the aroma and
can't help himself ??” he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He
disappears.
Run Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't
happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a
shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company
and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and
POOF! Run Paul disappears.
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():sex jokes (1888): Six Feet under the Sheets |
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| Posted by EMMI E. COOL on 10-Aug-2005 | Six Feet under the SheetsMarge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a
noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk; he isn??™t going to notice
you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful
than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers
over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of
the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them
again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, and
four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"
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| Posted by Polly Esther Fabrique on 10-Aug-2005 | Pharmacist PunA girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner,
she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl??™s parent??™s house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on
in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with
his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had
no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"
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| Posted by Foxy Mama on 10-Aug-2005 | Act Of GodThe new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation
for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation
agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the
minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several
years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the
increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the
minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an
Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So is rain and snow, but we
wearing rubbers for them!"
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| Posted by Sucha Dog on 10-Aug-2005 | SeasickMr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested
they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like
we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of
seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said ''I've
been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went
back to the pharmacy and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and a box of
condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on
their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and
the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over thirty
years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the
hell do you do it?"
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| Posted by Velcro on 10-Aug-2005 | How to Sell LawnmowersA young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer
said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the
new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said
to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're
going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I
do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let
me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a
box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new
lawnmower to go with that."
The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well,"
he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the
grass!"
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