Every day I give thanks to the Goddess...

      Every day I give thanks to the Goddess

      I have two mounds upon my bodice

      I shave my legs, I sit down to pee

      I can justify any shopping spree

      Not to a barber, but a beauty salon

      Can get a massage without a hard on

      Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas

      Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass



      I always save money by using coupons

      Can admit to others when I am wrong

      Don't drive in circles at any cost

      So I don't have to admit when I am lost

      Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon

      Every time I go to the john



      Let me tell you men

      Listen to me boys

      Those things in your pants

      That you treat as toys

      You love them more than we ever will

      We would rather suck on a cold pickle dill



      I spend two hours preparing for a date

      Only to find you're two hours late

      I don't watch movies with lots of gore

      Don't need instant replay to remember the score

      I won't lose my hair

      I don't get jock itch

      And just cause I am assertive

      Don't call me a bitch



      I don't wear the same underwear everyday

      The food in my fridge has no sign of decay

      I don't go to Sears

      To look at the tools

      I don't cheat at poker

      I follow the rules



      I don't smoke cigars

      Don't pay for drinks at bars

      I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"

      And it's o.k. for me to cry



      I know all you men

      Think that you're "IT"

      But compared to a woman

      You just ain't Shit!

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:...

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points.  Do something she dislikes &

points are subtracted.  You don't get any points for doing something she

expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played.



Simple Duties

 -------------

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car....................  +1

You make sure there are barely enough fumes 

    in the car to make it to the nearest gas station..............  -1

You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb....  +1

You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck

    pulls away....................................................  -1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.................  +1

You leave them under the bed......................................  -5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners

    with wings....................................................  +5

But return with beer..............................................  -5

You leave the toilet seat up......................................  -1

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.................   0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......  -1

When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly

     to the next bathroom.........................................  -2

You make the bed..................................................  +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........   0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................  -1

You check out a suspicious noise at night.........................   0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.................   0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...............  +5

You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10

It's her father................................................... -10



Social Engagements

 ------------------

You stay by her side the entire party.............................   0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a

    college drinking buddy........................................  -2

Named Tiffany.....................................................  -4

Tiffany is a dancer...............................................  -6

Tiffany has implants..............................................  -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze

     at her lovingly..............................................  +1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"

     and pat her on the rump......................................  -5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if

     you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near

     as attractive as you"........................................  +1

When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's

     attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy

     in bed"......................................................  -6

That woman is her sister.......................................... -90

You have one drink, and that's it.................................   0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle......  -2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18



Things Of A Disgusting Nature

 -----------------------------

You unclog a stopped-up toilet....................................  +6

You clean up cat, dog or human vomit..............................  +7

You get rid of a dead rodent......................................  +8

You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12

You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16



Saturday Afternoon

 ------------------

You go to the mall together.......................................  +3

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then

    park the car..................................................  +4

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive

    to a sports bar...............................................  -2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...  +3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional..   0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.............  +3

Most of it chips and beer.........................................  -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15

Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16

Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17

Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket......  -6

And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15

You visit her parents.............................................  +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation..............  +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........  -3

And the television is off.........................................  -6

You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear.......  -6

And you didn't even go to college................................. -10

And it's not your underwear....................................... -15



Her Birthday

 ------------

You take her out to dinner........................................   0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..............  +1

Okay, it is a sports bar..........................................  -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night....................................  -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is

     painted the colors of your favorite team..................... -10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player......  +3

You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up

    and sing......................................................  +4

And you stink.....................................................  +2

And you're not half bad...........................................  +5

You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out

    to much applause..............................................  -2

You give her a gift...............................................   0

You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10

You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance...............  +1

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.......................  +2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10

With her credit card.............................................. -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40



Thoughtfulness

 --------------

You forget her birthday completely................................ -10

You forget your anniversary....................................... -20

You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50



A Night Out With The Boys

 -------------------------

Go out with a pal.................................................  -5

And the pal is happily married....................................  -4

Or frighteningly single...........................................  -7

And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15

You have a few beers..............................................  -9

And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12

You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20

You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30

And not wearing any pants......................................... -40

Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200



Her Night Out

 -------------

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work

    friends.......................................................  +5

She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home

    late.......................................................... +10

You wait up....................................................... +15

She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20

She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,

    but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25

Which you clean up................................................ +35



A Night At Home

 ---------------

You watch TV together.............................................   0

You rent a movie..................................................  +1

You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY.....................  +3

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............  +5

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep......................  -1

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............  -2



A Night Out

 -----------

You take her to a movie...........................................  +2

You take her to a movie she likes.................................  +4

You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand)  +6

You take her to a movie you like..................................  -2

It's called DeathCop 3............................................  -7

Which features cyborgs having sex.................................  -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and

    sheepdogs..................................................... -15



Flowers

 -------

You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................  0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........  +5

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10

And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25



Your Physique

 -------------

You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10

You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy

    Hawaiian shirts...............................................  -5



Grooming

 --------

You trim your nails...............................................  +5

You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10

You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15

You shave on the weekends.........................................  +2

You don't shave on the weekends...................................  -4

You don't bathe on the weekends either............................  -8

But then, neither does she........................................  +8



Finances

 --------

You spend a lot of money on something impractical.................  -5

Something she can't use........................................... -10

Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20

And your kid needs braces......................................... -30

In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120



Driving

 -------

You lose the directions on a trip.................................  -4

You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close

    and personal.................................................. -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60



The Big Question

 ----------------

She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................  -5

(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding........................................ -10

You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25



Communication

 -------------

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying

     what looks like a concerned expression.......................   0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........  +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10

Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the...

A. Lifting his legs while you vacuum.

10:00 Wake up...

10:00     Wake up

10:02     Oral sex

10:10     Big breakfast

11:30     Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters

2:15 	  Enormous lunch

3:15 	  Oral sex

3:25	  Play sports with the guys

4:30 	  Drink beer with the guys

6:30 	  Meet Claudia Schiffer

6:40 	  Oral sex

6:50 	  Huge dinner, more beer

11:00     Full on, get down, gorilla sex

11:10     Sleep

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees...

A little old lady walked into the main branch...

Later the lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know the
people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president
then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money and whether it was
perhaps an inheritance.

She replied "No, I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion she explained that she just bet different things with
different people.
All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 a.m. tomorrow
morning your balls will be square."

The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker but decided to take
her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day
he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no
chances, after all, there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning
and took his shower he checked to make sure everything was normal. There was
no difference. He looked the same as he always had.
He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 a.m.,
humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day. How often do you
get handed $25,000 for doing nothing he thought!
At 10:00 a.m. sharp the little old lady was shown into the president's office.
With her was a younger man who she introduced as her lawyer. She said she
always took him along whenever there was this much money involved. "Well, "
she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've
always been, only $25,000 richer!"

The little old lady seemed to accept this but insisted that she be able to see
for herself. The bank president thought the request reasonable and dropped
his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of
him.
Sure enough, everything was fine, but then the Bank President looked up and
saw the lady's attorney across the room, banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asked.

"Oh, him?", she replied. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 a.m. this morning
I'd have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.