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| Posted by Aimeekat on 10-Aug-2005 | Exactly rightOnce a husband and a wife argued about cooking. The wife insisted that
potatoes must be cooked with only one teaspoon of salt per pan, while the
husband thought that two spoons would be better. The husband said in a mild
tone, "I think, in this you're not exactly right."
"What? I'm not exactly right? What you really mean is that I'm far from being
right! You mean I'm completely wrong! I'm wrong; it means I'm telling lies! I'm
lying, then I'm not speaking like a human being! You mean I'm barking like a
dog! Mom! Mom! He called me bitch!"
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| Posted by frick frack on 10-Aug-2005 | Leaving for workBefore leaving for work, a man said to his wife, "How many times did I say to
you, don't sleep with your legs apart. One day your liver may fall out."
Next day, she apparently forgot the husband's warning. When he saw her
sleeping with her legs apart, he decided to frighten her. He went to the
kitchen, took a cow's liver, and laid it between his wife's legs.
When, in the evening, he came back home from work, his wife said, "You were
right, darling. My liver fell out this morning."
"And was it painful?" the husband said.
"When it fell out, it was not. But when I was squeezing it back in....."
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| Posted by Danelle L. Sandella on 10-Aug-2005 | Deeply inebriated.A man returned home deeply inebriated.
"Again, you miserable drunkard," his wife said. "Just this morning you
promised that you'd stop drinking and would love me."
"Right," the husband said. "I'm really sorry. I promise to love you. I need
though one drop of vodka, the last one."
The wife sighed and poured a slug of vodka into a glass. The man gulped it,
and then fell silent. After a while he said, "My dear, to strengthen our love, I
really need one more slug..."
In despair, the wife ran to the balcony and shouted, "My God, is there at
least one real man in this building?"
From the next door apartment a voice sounded, "Why, do you have some vodka
there?"
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| Posted by Michael S. Harrington on 10-Aug-2005 | A Boy Discovers BreastsA small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy! Mommy! What are those?" He says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she explains, "These are ballons, and when you die, they inflate
and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe his mother's story and goes off, quite
satisfied.
A few days later, the little boy comes running home to get his mother from the
kitchen.
Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Jenny is dying the boy screams.
What do you mean?" his mother asks.
Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her
balloons out, and Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling
'God, I'm coming!!'".
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| Posted by Brandon C. Mclean on 10-Aug-2005 | Money for furnitureA woman filed for divorce. The reason: her husband did not satisfy her sexual
needs.
"Tell your side of the story," the judge said to the husband.
"When we just married," the husband said, "my wife said, 'Let's us save money
for furniture.' I agreed, so we ate only soup until we'd money for furniture.
Then she said, 'Let's save money for a TV set..' I agreed, so we ate only tea,
until we bought the TV set. Then she said, 'Let's save money for a car. We
switched to water...."
"It's interesting," the judge said, "But you better tell us about your
performance in bed. Your wife complains that you do not satisfy....."
"Citizen??™s judges! Just give me one bowl of soup, and I'll satisfy all of
you."
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| Posted by sum messed up retard on 10-Aug-2005 | A Mother's Teachings1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets
home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You're going to get it when we get
home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer
me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your
neck, you??™re not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job."
7 My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't
come running to me."
8 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you
will understand."
12. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."
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