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| Posted by Heavenly on 13-Aug-2005 | Expensive ProstituteA man is sitting at a bar and sees this beautiful woman on the arm of some drunk. He talks with the bartender and finds out that she is a prostitute.
He walks over to her and says " Is it true that your a prostitute?"
She replies "Yeah what can I do for you big boy?"
He thinks a second and finally asks her what she charges. She replies "$100 for a hand job."
"Are you crazy?" he responds.
She walks the man over to the window, "see that Ferrari out there? I own that car. Trust me you wont leave unsatisfied." So he takes her to his apartment, gives her the money and they get down to business.
The next day he sees her at the bar again. He walks over to her and says, "Last night was great."
"You think that was great," she replies" wait tell you have one of my blow jobs."
"How much?" the man asks "$500."
"What?! Are you on crack?" he yells.
She once again take him over to the window "See that building? I own that building. Trust me I give good blow jobs." So he takes her to his apartment, pays up and gets the best blow job of his life. A couple nights later he sees her at the bar again. He asks her how much he needs to pay to go all the way.
She say calmly "$2000"
The man totally freaks out "$2,000 for sex?! I am not that desperate."
She pulls him outside, "Look out in the distance, see that island?" The man, in awe answers the question " yeah..."
"Well..." the prostitute starts, "Had I been a woman I would have owned that island too."
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():sex jokes (1888): The Nun and the Bus Driver |
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| Posted by Krazy Kin Kid on 13-Aug-2005 | Farm CoupleOnce there was an elderly couple that lived on a farm. One day the farmer came to his wife and grabbed her boobs.
He said, "If we could get milk out of these things, we could get rid of the cows."
The next day he approached her, grabbed her butt, and said, "If we could get eggs out of this thing, we could get rid of the chickens."
His wife turned around, reached between his legs, and said, "If you could get this hard, we could get rid of your brother."
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| Posted by Warlock Z on 13-Aug-2005 | Matter of comparisionA gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"
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| Posted by melanie on 13-Aug-2005 | In MourningSadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this - a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
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