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| Posted by Jennifer S. Chmielewski on 14-Aug-2005 | Ex-Wife's WishA woman was walking on the beach right after a horrible,
divorce, feeling really depressed about the fact that she has
nobody, and no job and has to live off alimony, and she kicks
this bottle.
Out comes a Genie, and he says "I see you are a divorcee, a I
hate divorcees! I have been paying me ex alimony for the past
10,000,000 years!!!, however, you did free me, and I will give
you a wish, 1 wish, and your ex will get five times as much."
She starts thinking what she can ask for that will be good for
her and bad for her ex, first she wants to ask for a million
dollars, but then realizes that her ex will get ten million.
then she was going to be the most beautiful person in the world,
but then realizes that her ex will look even better.
After a long time of thinking she says "I know what I want. I
realize that my ex will get 5 times as much, and anyways, I
decided that I want to marry a handsome man, and give birth to
his child."
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| Posted by Saer Sida on 14-Aug-2005 | Mother of SixA man and his wife had six children and the man was very proud of that. He
would boast and brag in any way possible about his six little children. He
even got so happy about it, he sometimes called his wife "Mother of Six,"
much to her dismay.
One night they were at a dinner party and the man thought that it was time
to go and wanted to know if his wife agreed. "Are you ready to go, Mother
of Six?" he screamed over the crowd. His wife, extreamly pissed off,
answered, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four!"
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| Posted by ryan sanders on 14-Aug-2005 | PeekingA businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders
a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he
peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to
prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt
pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all
night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt
pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When
she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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| Posted by Joy Palmquist on 14-Aug-2005 | Women's LoveThere once was a man who went on an expidition and he found something. It
said "Rub Me" so he did. Out popped a genie. The genie said to the man, "I
will grant you one wish." The guy said, "I thought I get 3 wishes?" The
genie said, "No. One take it or leave it!" The guy said, "I'LL TAKE IT,
I'LL TAKE IT!!"
So the guy takes it and says, "I am afraid of flying so I want you to
build me a Freeway from my house to Hawaii." The genie says, "Are you
nuts!!!"
So the guy thinks and says, "Ok -- Ok." So the guy thinks for a little
while and he finally come up with a wish for the genie. The guy says, "I
want to learn all about women. How they think? How come they keep dumping
me? And how I can make they love me so I can keep them?" So the genie
thinks and thinks and thinks and finally the genie says to the man.....
"Did you want that freeway with 2 lanes or 4???"
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():love jokes (2491): Getting a peanut out of his ear... |
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| Posted by oncojoon on 14-Aug-2005 | Getting a peanut out of his ear...One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing
it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours
of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped
and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother
said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's
going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son
in-law!"
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():love jokes (2491): Application to date my daughter |
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| Posted by Brian Perfilio on 14-Aug-2005 | Application to date my daughterName: Last___________First______________ M. Initial_______ Age______
Address: ________________________________County______________________
Religion: ________________________#Attendance's in the Last Year_____
Parents: Father's Name________________#Marriages______#Years_________
Address________________________________________________
Mother's Name_______________#Marriages______#Years_____
Address________________________________________________
1. Do you own or drive a Van? ______________ (If so Please Discontinue
Filling Out Form)
2. In 50 words or less, describe what NO!!!! Means to you_________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
3. In 50 words or less, describe what LATE!! Means to You_________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
4. Where would you least like To Be SHOT?_________________________
5. Which is the Last BONE You Want Broken?________________________
6. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_________________________
7. The Place for a WOMAN Is?______________________________________
8. What is MY Daughter's NAME? ___________________________________
9.Who besides GOD Should YOU FEAR the most? ______________________
Parental Use Only:
Appearance Looks Like:Status:
Mel Gibson ___________Accepted:__________
David Letterman_______Rejected: __________
Pee-Wee Herman________Pending: __________
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current
medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #_______________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________
If NO, explain________________________________________________________
Number of years married________ If less than your age, Explain________
________________________________________________________________
Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____
A waterbed?_________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______
A condom?______ Pornography?_______
Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________
A tattoo?___________ (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and
priest?_____________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
____________________
When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
______________________
NOTE: if above answer begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _______________________
Condoms come in packages of
A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE
AND RED HOT POKERS.
___________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please
do not try to call or write.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
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