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| Posted by Emma Liles on 09-Aug-2005 | Face liftA man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
On his way home hes stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don??™t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 35", was the reply. "I??™m actually 47", the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I??™d guess you??™re 29 ?"
"Nope, I am actually 47". He??™s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady saus, "OK, it??™s done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
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| Posted by TTPaco on 09-Aug-2005 | 3beautiful daughtersThere was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters. One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.
"Hi!" said the young man standing there. "My name's Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. we're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" "Yes, I'll go and get her" said the farmer.
About 10 minutes later there's another knock. "Hi, my name's Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" So the farmer goes and fetches her.
Another 10 minutes go by, and there's a 3rd knock. "Hi, my name's Tucker..." And before he can say another word, the farmer grabs him by the neck, drags him out the back, and shoots him.
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| Posted by Clueless_3216 on 09-Aug-2005 | Three ducks in courtThree ducks got arrested and appeared before a judge. The judge asked the first duck "whats your name?" Quack replied the duck. "And what did you get arrested for?" Blowing bubbles in the pond.
The second duck comes before the judge and is asked "whats your name?" Quack Quack replies the duck. "And what did you get arrested for?" Blowing bubbles in the pond.
The third duck appears before the judge and the judge says "I know I bet your name is Quack Quack Quack"
"Why no," the duck replies. "My name is bubbles!"
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| Posted by Kit Cloudkicker on 09-Aug-2005 | Small organA fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.
After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
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| Posted by Andy N. Arena on 09-Aug-2005 | Held ransomA girl had invented a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit from it.
So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!". Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go.
Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."
The Newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"
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| Posted by Nat Hartten on 09-Aug-2005 | Mastercard advertTHE CREDIT CARD COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
Priceless
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