|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Phish on 14-Aug-2005 | FaceliftA lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll
have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no." the
woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to
have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers,
"There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of
your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just
give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they
disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do
that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"How's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!"
the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under
my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't
bags, those are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw
alone, you're going to have a beard!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by cao on 14-Aug-2005 | UglyLittle Timmy watched his mother spread cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Timmy. "Giving up?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Tristan T. Connolly on 14-Aug-2005 | Sheer LingerieA man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife
the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go
put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes
upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so
see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing
it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know
the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose
at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by John Byram on 14-Aug-2005 | BirthAn old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one
was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The
doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while
he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed
and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet
and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The
doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him
again," the 5-year-old said, "he shouldn't have crawled up there in the
first place!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by emily on 14-Aug-2005 | The Ultimate Poopie ListGhost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but
there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it
still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper
between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with
skid marks.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and
you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you
have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so
much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're
afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with
the toilet brush.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want
to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few
times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so bad coming out,
you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)- The kind that comes out of
your rectum so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out
of your butt and splatters all over the toilet, and at the same
time chronically burns your tender poop chute.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
The Girlie Poopie- The people that think their poopie doesn't
stink..
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the
public rest-room, and there are two people waiting for your
stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golf
ball-sized pieces are still floating on the water..
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are
shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try
to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-and-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with your own
poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can
appreciate it too
The Wipers Nightmare- That's the kind that breaks off too soon,
so half falls in to the bowl and half stays hanging.
Ambush Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have
to fart, but you get a sneak attack squirt instead.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your
legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put
your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying
bright red pressure circles on the back of your legs for all to
see.
The "What Crawled Up Your Butt & Died?" Poopie- Also sometimes
referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone
of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and
gasping for air.
The Snake Charmer Poopie- A long skinny poopie which has managed
to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
The Ritual Poopie- This poopie occurs at the same time each day
and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
The Ranger Poopie- A poopie which refuses to let go. It is
usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but
quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small
piece of toilet paper.
The Premeditated Poopie- Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
The Porridge Poopie- The type that comes out like toothpaste,
and justkeeps on coming. You have two choices: 1) Flush and keep
going. 2) Risk it piling up to your crack while you sit there
helpless.
The Pebbles-From-Heaven Poopie- An adorable collection of small
turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you cannot
poopie.
The Peek-A-Boo Poopie- Now you see it, now you don't! This
poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle
control.
The Mood Enhancer- This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of
constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
The "I Think I'm A Bunny" Poopie- When you drop lots of cute,
little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing
sounds when they hit the water.
The "I'm Going To Chew My Food Better" Poopie- When the bag of
Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your poop
shoot on the way out in the morning.
The Honeymoon's Over Poopie- This is any poopie created in the
presence of another person.
The Groaner- A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal
assistance.
The Energizer Poopie- "Still Going!"
The Crowd Pleaser- This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or
appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
The Cliffhanger- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for
the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe now it's
going to smear all over the place.
The Back-To-Nature Poopie- This poopie may be of any variety but
is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind
the passenger side of your car. Beware of poison ivy wipes.
The Aftershock Poopie- This poopie has an odor so powerful that
anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is
affected.
The Terminator- You poopie so hard you fall off the toilet.
T2- More extreme then The Terminator, you require some medical
assistance to restart your heart. Clear!
The Cowboy- You've got to poopie so bad that you proceed to buck
and holler until finally the poopie's been tamed.
The Runner's Poopie- Experienced by long distance runners who
don't want to stop so they poopie in their shorts. (inspired by
Jeff Reigal of BadAxe, MI)
Poopszopherenia- Fear of poopie-ing, can be fatal!
The Pool Poopie- Usually performed by younger children. It's too
much fun in the pool so why get out? Makes a great floatie toy
afterwards!
Painter's Poopie- You're up on the scaffolding and it takes to
long to get down so you just cramp it and wait.
Lost Poopie- That's when there's a poopie in the urinal.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by i want pie on 14-Aug-2005 | Creamy Love :-)There was this boy of 13 called danny.
Danny was a very horny little boy and had just started going out
with this really fit girl named Laura.
One day he asked her for sex at her house.
She agreed and they started to get down to it when they heard
the front door click,
"Oh no,it's Laura's parents!" he thought,and squeezed himself
into her wardrobe naked with his clothes behind him on the floor
of the wardrobe.
Laura's Mum came in to put some clothes away in her wardrobe and
felt
something long and dangly in the wardrobe.
She wondered what it was and sqeezed it hard.
"Thats funny" she said, and sqeezed it again.
"There's something weird in here Laura".
"What mum?" said Laura shakily.
She sqeezed it once more and recoiled with surprise,
"Laura!" She shouted,looking at her hand "Pleeeease dont put
hand-cream dispensers in your wardrobe!!!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
