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| Posted by ginageeluv on 10-Aug-2005 | FAMILY HISTORYOne day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get
here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been
no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
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| Posted by Bruce D. Ragusa on 10-Aug-2005 | NEW AGE LULLABYHush little baby don't you squall
Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball.
And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand.
And if that wand don't change your fate
Momma's gonna teach you to levitate.
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick.
And if that patchouli smells too rank
she??™ll buy you a sensory deprivation tank.
And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones.
And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart.
And if your planets go berserk
Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork.
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading.
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid.
And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest.
And if power animals don't come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.
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| Posted by THE REAPE0!!! on 10-Aug-2005 | MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leak proof thermoses will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down are
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over
whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be
washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other
clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next
ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the
treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the
refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically
increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
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| Posted by DJ on 10-Aug-2005 | RESISTING ARRESTA boy and his father are playing with toy cars; the father has the police car
and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.
"Do you have a driver??™s license?" asks the father.
"No," says the boy.
"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, "No ... I'm not sleepy yet."
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():love jokes (2491): A GIFT FOR HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW |
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| Posted by Timothy Withers on 10-Aug-2005 | A GIFT FOR HIS MOTHER-IN-LAWTwo guys were talking at work.
"I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a
present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I
mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his
mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family
gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all
for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so
thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't
used the gift I gave you last year!"
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| Posted by Gracey Lou Freebush on 10-Aug-2005 | TAKE A HIKEDon't you hate it when you're just getting into your "productive zone" and a
family member interrupts with some fool project that threatens to derail your
whole day?
Case in point: This weekend I'm settling into my chair, a pristine bag of taco
chips nestled under my arm like a newborn baby. In my lap the TV listings reveal
an entire day of sporting events (including Ukrainian Woman's Body Building,
which I never miss); while to my right are a beer, glistening with dew and
shimmering with promise. Then my wife bursts into the room and begins to wax
irrational.
"I want to go on a family hike," she proclaims.
I nod encouragingly. "Then you should go. I'm sure there are plenty of
families who would love to accompany you."
"I mean us."
"Why a hike?" I demand. "Don't they have a web site for that?"
My children are equally astounded, but, like any responsible parent, I've
decided to present them with a unified front. "Your mother is crazy," I explain.
"We'd better do what she says."
"But I have plans for the weekend!" my oldest daughter howls. "Why do I have
to go?"
"Well, you ARE technically part of the family," I observe. "Pretend you're
walking at the mall."
"You are ruining my whole life," she snaps. (I don't tell her what having two
teenagers has done to mine.)
My other daughter tries a different approach.
"Can Brittany come along?"
"No."
"How about Whitney?"
"No."
"Danielle?"
"No."
"Greta?"
"Is Greta the one I like?"
"Yes!"
"Then no."
The family packs as if we're never coming back. Everyone is carrying enough
water to wash the car. Our backpacks bulge with extra clothing suitable for both
a day on a dog sled and an afternoon of beach volleyball.
After carefully applying makeup, my 17-year-old daughter troops out in a
skin-tight blouse that looks like it came right off the rack at "Babes R Us."
Maybe she's hoping we'll encounter a cleavage contest. "What do you think; we're
going to run into boys on this trip?" I demand. Her response is an insolent toss
of the hair that makes me wish I had some sheep-shearing tools in the garage.
"Put on something less...mammalian," I tell her.
"Why?" she jeers. "Do you think we're going to run into boys on this trip?"
My son wants to know why he can't take his hamster. "Because all pets have to
be kept on a leash," I explain.
"I WILL keep him on a leash!" he promises eagerly.
An hour later we're at the base of a hill. "This is crazy," I tell my wife
supportively. "Why couldn't we pick a downhill path?"
"It will be downhill on the way back," she says, as if this makes any sense.
I cast a look at my kids. My eleven-year-old is carrying a walking stick and
wearing ski goggles -- he looks like a sherpa. My youngest daughter is plugged
into CD headphones; my oldest is talking on the cell phone. "We're coming up on
a big, big rock," she reports. "No, wait, that's my dad's butt."
For some reason this strikes my wife as funny and she begins what will turn
out to be two straight hours of giggling.
I step into a mucky bog and my shoe is sucked right off. "Hey! The trail is
eating my feet!" I protest. Only my son stops to help. He has changed into a
hockey helmet. I frown. "Where'd you get that?" I ask.
"In your backpack, under the ant farm."
"You brought your ant farm? Why?"
"Because I couldn't bring my hamster," he explains logically.
After we've hiked across a couple of time zones, my knees begin muttering to
themselves about the ordeal. "We need to take a break, I'm bleeding internally!"
I call out. I'm ignored.
I'd still be up there if it weren't for a sudden storm (shows what happens
when you send your prayers marked "urgent"). My son pulls umbrellas from my
backpack and we run down the hill.
"That was an once-in-a-lifetime, never-again experience," I announce as I
start the car.
My wife, gazing out the window, pretends she doesn't understand the
significance of my phrasing.
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