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| Posted by Dancin Girl on 08-Aug-2005 | Family ReunionAn elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I?m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"
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():love jokes (2491): An Unreasonable Wish Request |
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| Posted by KathyB on 08-Aug-2005 | An Unreasonable Wish RequestA man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete..how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women..know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know whatthey really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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| Posted by JJ_OU812 on 08-Aug-2005 | Betty CrockerA woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, 'Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?' Her husband snarled, 'What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?' and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, 'Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?' Once again, he growled, 'What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?'
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, 'Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?' And again was met with a snarl, 'What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?'
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, 'Honey, I had the repairmen out today.' He frowned, 'Well, how much is that going to cost?' 'Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.'
'Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?' he asked. She smiled. 'What do I look like? Betty Crocker?'
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| Posted by Matt S on 08-Aug-2005 | Joy of MarriageA man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.'
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, 'I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married.'
'Why not,' giggles the woman.
'Good,' he replies. 'Get your own damn blanket.'
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| Posted by Butters on 08-Aug-2005 | Doctor Knows BestA doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, 'Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you....On your wat home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts, Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bulls-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knew, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue....Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at you husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.'
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should go see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. 'I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I'm afraid your sex life is as good as it can ever be. I cannot help.' The Green's pleaded with him, and said, 'You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us!' 'Well, alright,' the doctor said. ' on your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apple and a box of Cheerios......'
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| Posted by Sean Wicklund on 08-Aug-2005 | Who Do I Look Like?Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, 'Honey, could you fix the front steps? They're ready to collapse.'
He sighs and says, 'After the game, Flo.'
Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. 'Well, could you fix the light in the hall? It's been flickering for weeks.'
He sighs and says, 'Darn it, Flo, I'm a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it.'
Flo counters: 'Can you fix the fridge door, then? It won't shut.'
Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, 'You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?'
She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. 'I need to cool down,' he says. 'I'm going out.'
Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and drinks for about an hour. After a couple beers, he starts to feel guilty about treating Flo so poorly. He returns home and notices the front steps have been repaired. He walks into the hall and sees the hall light working perfectly. He opens the fridge to grab a beer. The fridge door has been fixed, too.
He finds his wife and says, 'Honey, how'd you fix all this stuff?'
She smiles and says, 'After you left, I sat outside and cried. This nice young man was passing by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything for me. All I had to do in return was make love to him or bake him a cake.
Jerry nodded, appreciatively. 'What kind of cake did you bake?'
Flo's smile widened. 'Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?'
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