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| Posted by wet w. willy on 10-Aug-2005 | FAMILY STRESS TESTHow to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if
it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.
1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then "we can
talk."
2. ___ the school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ the cat is on Valium.
4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to
speak through clenched teeth.
5. ___ you are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ___ the number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of
people in the family.
7. ___ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ___ you have to check your kid's day-planner to see if he can take out the
trash.
10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.
How you rate:
30 - A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in
your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but
still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?
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| Posted by beach bum on 10-Aug-2005 | But be reasonableIn the middle of night, a wife woke her husband, "Darling, it's so cold!"
The husband jumped out of the bed, brought one more blanket from a closet and
carefully tucked it around his wife's body. After a while, the wife woke him
once again, "My dear, it's so hot here." The husband jumped out of bed and
rushed to open a window. In a few minutes the wife woke him one more time and
said, "My love, I want a man."
"But be reasonable," the husband said. "Where can I find a man in the middle
of night?"
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| Posted by Ahmet Bulut on 10-Aug-2005 | A MOUTH FULLA man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you
should call."
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| Posted by daniel baier on 10-Aug-2005 | Drunk and sleepyA husband came home late in the night, drunk and sleepy.
"Where have you been?" the wife demanded.
"You're so smart, darling. Can't you invent a good answer yourself?"
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| Posted by hvymetalchik on 10-Aug-2005 | CAMP NO-NO'SHere's a list of camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:
Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachick.
Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee.
President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie.
Ellen DeGeneres's Camp Lickacoochie.
Kenneth Star's Camp Catchacrook.
O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachick.
Lorena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee.
Tonya Harding's Camp Clubaknee.
Susan Smith's Camp Blameabrotha.
Pamela Lee's Camp Lottatatas.
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| Posted by Jared A. Bassette on 10-Aug-2005 | NAMING THE BABIESA man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when
his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw
his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry,
everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a
real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife
were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said
with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named
the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty
name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
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