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| Posted by Caleb J. Pering on 14-Aug-2005 | Farmers' WivesTwo farmers were leaning over a fence discussing Christmas, when
the first farmer says that he has bought his wife a fur coat and
a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.
The second farmer asks why he bought her a Mercedes and a fur
coat. The first farmer replies that if she doesn't like the coat
she can drive in the Mercedes to take it back. The second farmer
nods his head as if understanding the reasoning behind the
answer.
The first farmer asks the second what he got his wife for
Christmas. He replies that he bought his wife a pair of slippers
and a vibrator. The first farmer asks why he bought these
combination of presents. The second farmer replies that if she
doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself.
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| Posted by Sarah Casey on 14-Aug-2005 | On a Fishing TripA woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterwards,
while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is
the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks
over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the
conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad
that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for
you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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| Posted by rubberducky2001 on 14-Aug-2005 | 50th AnniversaryA husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the
wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee
she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says,
"Honey, Do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee
the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!'"
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night.
What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission
Accomplished."
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| Posted by Kyle Eades on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog BitesMr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing
and so eager to please that he decided to "work late" and to
take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her
he would be late and she replied, "No problem."
So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy
restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with
her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when
the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the
secretary's home, they did the wild thing for over two hours.
When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up
and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed
that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what he
was going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic. But
he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was
getting quite late.
Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and
scratching at the door. He thought, "Aha! I got an idea." He
entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off
the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and
exclaimed, "Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!"
Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said,
"That's nothing. Look what he did to my tits!"
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| Posted by banana babe on 14-Aug-2005 | Senior TravelA senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to
see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and
was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you.
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| Posted by Mandi M. Topper on 14-Aug-2005 | Firm UpOne morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the
edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with
silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get
rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in
place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of your brother!"
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