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| Posted by Michelle Potter on 10-Aug-2005 | FDAthe fda is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such
as:
13. warning: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
12. warning: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
a******.
11. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
10. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to they sings like thish.
9. warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. warning: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.
7. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. warning: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.
5. warning: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named chuck.
4. warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
with you.
2. warning: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
disappear.
1. warning: consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
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| Posted by vanessa on 10-Aug-2005 | Birthday2The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like
a bottle of Channel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
??? A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
??? You bet,??? answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
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| Posted by Saer Sida on 10-Aug-2005 | Roses are redRoses are red.
Violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic.
And so am I.
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| Posted by Amber M. Kistler on 10-Aug-2005 | What do your parents do?A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim
stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy
proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later
that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered
the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an
explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like
that to a seven-year-old?"
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| Posted by Sophie Van Insberghe on 10-Aug-2005 | Wedding GiftShe had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.
Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from
my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith
and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.
Voila, one cheap wedding present.
So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove
her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith
took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, "Lady,
this can only be done so many times!"
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| Posted by LiL HoTTiE on 10-Aug-2005 | Happy to be marriedA groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his
place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom
has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man
says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married,
but what's up - you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had
in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who
gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices
this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my
entire life!"
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