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| Posted by Jesse D. Evins on 14-Aug-2005 | Female Brain CellOnce upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried... but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?"
She cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...
"Hello - we're all down here...."
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():gender jokes (1878): The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union |
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| Posted by eric s. jozovich on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union16> You catch yourself thinking, "You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows."
15> "What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?"
14> You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.
13> You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.
12> "Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!"
11> "You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just like ballet!"
10> Your new Martha Burke signature putter.
9> Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the "artistic impression" scores in figure skating.
8> You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.
7> You complain that the "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the book.
6> Sure, it's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.
5> Your "Bridges of Madison County" lunch box.
4> You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.
3> You ask your barber to give you a "Richard Simmons."
2> When the guys put you in charge of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.
1> "No oral sex for me tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():gender jokes (1878): The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Gal Banned From the Women's Union |
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| Posted by jarmo two on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Gal Banned From the Women's Union16> "Okay, I admit it: More than six cats may be a bit excessive."
15> You've had the faces of Moe and Larry tattooed on each breast -- and if a guy asks nicely, you'll show him where Curly resides.
14> You regularly clean your ears out with a screwdriver.
13> You put out a nice gingham tablecloth, then gut a freshly killed deer on it.
12> Although you'd never do the old pull-my-finger gag, you love to play "squeeze my boob" with similar sound effects.
11> Purchasing any greeting card featuring a chimp and a bikini.
10> The whoopee cushion seemed like a good idea when you brought it into the meeting.
9> You're already planning on lining up for tickets to the "Matrix" sequel.
8> Instead of brushing your teeth on a Saturday morning, you use leftover beer as a mouthwash.
7> Proposing that you take over as local precinct leader, then wussing out on the requisite knife fight to the death on the union hall roof.
6> "Whoa! How about a courtesy flush over there, Diane?!?"
5> You delay the decision to take your mom off life support until after the World Series.
4> "Doing your nails" requires an air compressor and a power sander.
3> Neglecting to pass on e-mails that are clearly marked: "Cute!! LOL!! Pass this on!"
2> The stack of "Maxim" magazines piled on your toilet tank is paperweighted by a tub of petroleum jelly.
1> You loudly proclaim that if "Dumb and Dumber" isn't the best movie of all time, you'll give up chewing tobacco.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Angel S. Pecherskaya on 14-Aug-2005 | Types of men...Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but..."
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
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| Posted by Paula Sister on 14-Aug-2005 | Types of women...Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
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| Posted by Danya -Funny Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | What Gender Are They?ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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