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| Posted by Lion King on 13-Aug-2005 | Feminine View of Oral SexWomen's 16 rules on Fellatio
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviors to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
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| Posted by April L. Milam on 13-Aug-2005 | Light BulbsHow many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
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| Posted by Dragonfire563 on 13-Aug-2005 | Snap Judgments about Men and WomenReading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgments
Taken from Women's Glibber The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.
Train yourself to recognize - and decode these key "signs":
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. -Doesn't engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. -No foreplay.
3. Man can't hail a cab. -Impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. -Prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there. -Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelight restaurant. -Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe. -Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. -Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant. -Will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. -Won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n' Low. -Wears falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. -Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. -Will give a hand job, but won't go "all the way". 14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress. -Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. -Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you. -Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual". -Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. -Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. -Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on the plate. -Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of what you ordered. -Will make you sleep on the wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. -Will never call you. 23. Changes tables. -Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. -Fakes orgasm. (Female)
25. Orders in French. -Fakes orgasm. (Male)
26. Sends food back. -Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts. -Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a hand job.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. -Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. -Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.
31. Credit card is refused. -Low sperm count.
32. Under tips waiter. -Small penis.
33. Under tipc parking valet. -Small penis.
34. Under tips cabbie. -Small penis.
35. Uses a toothpick. -Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Has a removable cassette player in car. -Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
37. Has a cellular phone in car. -Has a penile implant.
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| Posted by Kaitlyn Cheesebro on 13-Aug-2005 | My Poor Defenseless Tit!For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
<`r />
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line)
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from `oth up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
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| Posted by Sabby A. Gurrrl on 13-Aug-2005 | You can't win...If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defence.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious enough.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.
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():gender jokes (1878): Differences between good girls and bad girls |
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| Posted by brandi l. stefanelli on 13-Aug-2005 | Differences between good girls and bad girlsGood girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say 'no'.
Bad girls say 'when?'
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