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| Posted by Jocky on 09-Aug-2005 | Fill up the plateMy wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back.
"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
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| Posted by Blah Blah on 09-Aug-2005 | Guardian angelA man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where were you when I got married?"
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| Posted by Jermy on 09-Aug-2005 | BastardA couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards... his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk...
After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
The judge says, "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
The groom says, "That's funny, that's just what the clerk called you."
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| Posted by ironman kingofcaerau on 09-Aug-2005 | Golf bagThe bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
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| Posted by Wicked_draven69 on 09-Aug-2005 | Wheelbarrow positionAfter hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.
"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions.
First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's."
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| Posted by Debby Harwood on 09-Aug-2005 | It's over!Trying to disguise his voice, Carl calls his ex-wife and asks to speak to himself.
Jody, his former Mrs says, "Carl, look, we are not married anymore -- quit bothering me !"
Next day, Carl calls again, resulting in the same sequence of events.
The following day though when he called, his ex-wife said, "Listen Bozo. I told you we're divorced, split, it's over -- period ! We're divorced. Why do you keep calling here ?"
"Well Jody, it's just that I can't hear that often enough."
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