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| Posted by HoneyHunny on 09-Aug-2005 | Fingered firstOne day a man goes to his doctors and says "Doctor I got raped by an elephant and it ripped my arsehole 10" wide"
"No way," says the doctor, "Bend over and let me see"
So the man bends over and sure enough his arsehole is 10" wide.
"But I thought an elephants dick was long and thin," said the doctor.
"It is," said the man, " but the bastard fingered me first!"
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| Posted by mehru batra on 09-Aug-2005 | Blew a sealA penguin decided to take a day off from his job working at the zoo. He got in his car and drove into town.
Shortly after arriving, he began to experience car trouble. Lucky for him, he broke down next to a service station.
After explaining his problem to the mechanic, the mechanic told him to return in a couple of hours.
Not wanting to lose full advantage of his day off, the penguin decided to kill time in town.
He stopped at a bookstore and purchased a couple of books, and did a little window shopping.
Finally he stopped at a restaraunt and had fishsticks and some vanilla ice cream for dessert.
By then, it was time for the penguin to pick up his car. The mechanic steps out of the garage while wiping his hands on a shop towel and tells the penguin, "Well, looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh, no!" says the penguin, "Thats just ice cream."
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| Posted by Leah Pavo on 09-Aug-2005 | Dead goldfishLittle Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
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| Posted by Tom E. McGinty on 09-Aug-2005 | Two tall treesTwo tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The Beech says to the Birch, '' is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch? ''
The Birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The Birch says, '' Woodpecker -- you have the reputation of being a tree expert, can you tell us if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?''
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He then replies, '' It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in.
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| Posted by greenmachine on 09-Aug-2005 | Chilli cook off!CHILI COOK-OFFS
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You
will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like
me, you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge???‚¬?„?s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told men I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out, I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA???‚¬?„?S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN???‚¬?„?S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
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| Posted by Bob Nelson on 09-Aug-2005 | Na a a a a ahA traveling salesman was driving down a country road one day and saw a farmhouse. He says to himself, "That looks like a good place to peddle my pots and pans.
He pulls up in the driveway and goes up to the front door and knocks.
After waiting for what seems a reasonable amount of time he knocks again. Still no answer. As he starts to leave he notices a little boy playing in the back yard.
"Little boy. Is your mother home?", shouts the salesman.
The little boy nodds in a beckoning fashion so the salesman follows him around the house and when he steps up on the back porch.
He looks through the window to see the little boys mother is in a back room getting it on with a billy goat.
The salesman says, "Little boy, do you know what your mother is doing in there?"
The little boys nodds again.
"That doesn't bother you!" says the salesman in dismay.
The little boy says, "Na a a a a ah."
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