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| Posted by Leah Cu on 09-Aug-2005 | Finnegans wifeFinnegans wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said Finnegan.
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| Posted by Big Ben on 09-Aug-2005 | 26 Golf factsIf you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player.
1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie.
10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a 2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300
m.p.h.
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing
the golf glove.
20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.
21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint.
25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.
26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
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| Posted by Joe Collins on 09-Aug-2005 | Women and tornadoesHow are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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| Posted by Joshua L. Dodds on 09-Aug-2005 | Important menThe Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
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| Posted by goatgirlm on 09-Aug-2005 | The Robinson???‚¬?„?sA guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.
Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that???‚¬?„?s the Robinson???‚¬?„?s, they're both deaf.
She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
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| Posted by Brian m. Spillner on 09-Aug-2005 | Ugly girlfriendYour girlfriend is ugly when...
(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
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