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| Posted by Mandi M. Topper on 14-Aug-2005 | Firm UpOne morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the
edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with
silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get
rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in
place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of your brother!"
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| Posted by lil dude on 14-Aug-2005 | The New Newlywed GameThis couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town
and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens
the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of
beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
can think of saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but the bar you
know...the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She takes a
mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills
holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but
at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and
takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the
dirty words and all that."
"You want dirty words Cutie Pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE
YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"
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| Posted by deeze nutz on 14-Aug-2005 | Cigarettes and BowlingA man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes
into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees
a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple
of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which
he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty
pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you
asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had
a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed
with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn
liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
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| Posted by Corey Kano on 14-Aug-2005 | Wedding & RevengeThis is a true story about a wedding and a little thing called
revenge.
It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the
wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank
everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and
groom's families for coming and for providing such a fabulous
reception.
He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was an envelope; He
said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone
should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an
eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective. After he stood there and watched the people's
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and
bride and said, "Fuck You!" then turned to the crowd and left.
He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.
Most people's would break off the engagement right away after
finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway,
as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride's
parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people
at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did
happen. Best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire
families!
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| Posted by diane funnyme on 14-Aug-2005 | Rifle ShopA man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his
rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a
scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This
scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that
hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a
naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two
bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these
two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick
off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know
what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
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| Posted by luke on 14-Aug-2005 | Are you in tune?Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as
a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might
as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a
big dept. store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then
tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and
gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her
husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis
bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you
like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she
cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go
to the cash register."
The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband
says,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!
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