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():battle of sexes (734): Firming things up


Posted by Max Lee on 13-Aug-2005

Firming things up

One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, ''You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.'' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, ''You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.''

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, ''You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardner, the poolman and your brother.


   

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():battle of sexes (734): Alimony


Posted by TommyGirl4 on 13-Aug-2005

Alimony

Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully,'' the divorce court judge said, ''and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.''

''That's very fair, your honor,'' the husband said. ''And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.''


   

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():battle of sexes (734): Big Bottomed Marraige Woe's


Posted by lawyer jokes on 13-Aug-2005

Big Bottomed Marraige Woe's

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, ''Hey, honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now.''

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill, and then measured his wife's butt. ''Yes,'' he said, ''just what I thought, just about the same size.'' The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening, when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, ''How about it, honey? How about a little action?'' the wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

''What's the matter?'' he asked

To which she replied, ''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?''


   

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():battle of sexes (734): Men are Like


Posted by Amy Hehehe on 13-Aug-2005

Men are Like

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.

Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough.

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like linoleum: Lay them once right and you can walk on them for the next 20 years.


   

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():battle of sexes (734): Late home from work


Posted by bob joe on 13-Aug-2005
Late home from work
One day a husband was late coming from work and his wife was nervous. 'Oh, I know he has an affair with some woman,' she said to her mother.

'Why do you always think the worst?' her mother replied, 'Maybe he is just in some kind of accident.'


   

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():battle of sexes (734): A woman's random thoughts


Posted by Mike T. Bokinskie on 13-Aug-2005
A woman's random thoughts
A Woman's Random Thoughts

Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, 'You know, sometimes I forget to eat.' You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, 'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'listen wench...do it and die.'

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.

'If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?'


   

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