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| Posted by Pizza on 09-Aug-2005 | Fish and cat storyOne spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal."
Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, ???‚¬?“If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
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| Posted by carl e. ashworth on 09-Aug-2005 | Elephant fartFour farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the famers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
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| Posted by Lorelea on 09-Aug-2005 | Cigarettes & tamponsA man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers, because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
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| Posted by Ruth e. conners on 09-Aug-2005 | Clean my houseA woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when
the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,
sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could
not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over
and whispered into his ear...
"Clean... my... house."
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| Posted by Pete Makiha on 09-Aug-2005 | Michael late againAs you know, Michael Jackson late again to court twice this week???‚¬?¦ have you seen him?
Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly???‚¬?¦
I think he's going through menopause." --Jay Leno
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| Posted by Akdadevil Bavarian Butchers on 09-Aug-2005 | Lunch moneyAccording to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch.
So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money.
--Jay Leno
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