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| Posted by Educated Olive on 10-Aug-2005 | Fish MarketOne day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges,
so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello
ladies!"
Picture perfect
A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame
it."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge
it."
The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found
a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes. The bear went
first and he said,??? I wish to be the only male bear in this forest." And he got
his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United
States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he
got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest
were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
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| Posted by Julia E. Singer on 10-Aug-2005 | Stick of DynamiteA large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of
drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the
bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that,
baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to
his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is
aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her
purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a
hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid
you were about to blow!"
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| Posted by Rob E. Daynes on 10-Aug-2005 | Wedding Night PranksThe wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle
or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of
course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised
it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies
received the following note:
???DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE
GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!???
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| Posted by Glor on 10-Aug-2005 | Doctor's OrdersA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do
the following, your husband wills surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for
him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will
only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with
your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to
a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
???He said you're going to die," she replied.
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| Posted by Jade Cat on 10-Aug-2005 | You Bet Your (Sex) LifeA golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of
strokes.
The golfer says to him, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your
sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless,
but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the
putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."
He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,
"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
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| Posted by phil jones on 10-Aug-2005 | The Newlywed GameA newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.
When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess.
The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."
So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat cheated.
The husband says, "I can deal with that."
He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! You are small, but I love you
anyway."
The husband says, "I have something to confess also."
She says, "No matter what I will still love you."
He says, "Okay. I am built like a baby down there."
She says, "I can deal with that."
So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she
finally gets up.
She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"
He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."
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