|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by jokemeister on 09-Aug-2005 | FishingTwo men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
"I dreamt I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!"
His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamt you had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jeanna M. Garloch on 09-Aug-2005 | Lexus Car PricesA lady walks into a Lexus dealership.
She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, there he is standing right next to her.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this
lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are
going to shit when you hear the price."
Editted by Curtis
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Dete on 09-Aug-2005 | Men always rightHe does not have a beer gut,
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet,
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid,
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Developement.
He does not get lost all the time,
He discovers alternative destinations.
He is not balding,
He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber,
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk,
He becomes Accidentially Horizontal.
He is not short,
He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not talk constantly about cars,
He has a vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body,
He is Physically Combustible.
He does not eat like a pig,
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He is not a sex machine,
He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the covers on the bed,
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig,
He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes,
He has an Introspective Pornagraphic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment,
He is Monogamously Challenged.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by FirePrincess on 09-Aug-2005 | Gone fishingTwo men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
"I dreamt I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!"
His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamt you had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing!"
Submitted by curtis
Edited By calamjo
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Kenan A on 09-Aug-2005 | Military RulesDear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:
1.) The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the National Anthem...kick their ass.
2.) When you witness first hand someone burning the American Flag in protest...kick their ass.
3.) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.
4.) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
Personal Note: I ran into a FEW of these Guys and they really piss me off!
5.) If you witness someone calling an enlisted "Sir," stand back...a Marine will kick their ass.
6.) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kickin' (children are exempt).
7.) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper...it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.
8.) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her...... of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.
9.) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is "traitor." Just mention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.
10.) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander in Chief. The President (for those who didn't know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. All we know is that when those civilian Representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)
11.) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me...stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your ass!
12.) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me...if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass.
13.) Bus Driver, Jar Head, Grunt, Swabbie etc, are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. It could get your ass kicked.
14.) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please remember that there are, literally, thousands of troops overseas wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by the politically correct funny PERSON on 09-Aug-2005 | Fore!Two guys go golfing. One guy hits the ball into a buttercup patch. He heard a voice coming from the patch, it said that if he hit the ball out, he would never get any butter on anything for the rest of his life.
The guy is of course very freaked out and calls for his partner,
" Where are you?" he yells.
His partner replies. "In the pussy willow".
The first guy screams. "For the love of God, don't swing!"
Edited by calamjo and curtis
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
