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| Posted by Herman on 12-Aug-2005 | Five PenisesPatient: Doctor,Doctor... I've got five penises!
Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit?
Patient: Like a glove!
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| Posted by Shelly Mclaughlin on 12-Aug-2005 | Women's Breasts Like a Train SetWhy are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
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| Posted by Deven T. Frasier on 14-Aug-2005 | The MammogramFor years and years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all the warnings,
Protected them by law,
Guarded them oh so carefully
And always wore my bra.
After all of these precautions
My doctor found a lump
And ordered up a mammogram
To see inside the bump.
"Stand up very close," she said
As she got my boob in line,
"Just tell me if it hurts at all -
Ah, yes, there - that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle
And I can't believe my eyes;
A plastic plate pressed down and down;
My tit was in a vise.
My skin stretched out so far
From my navel to my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner of this vicious thing
My poor defenseless tit.
It squeezed me first from up and down;
Then squeezed me side to side,
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender little hide.
If I had a problem when I came in
I surely don't have it now.
If there was a cyst in there
It would have popped - KERPOW!
"There, that was good." I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's do the other one."
"Lord have mercy!" I was praying.
This machine was designed by man;
Of this I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there
And see how they'd come out!
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| Posted by Hells Littlest Angel on 14-Aug-2005 | Lost SpermsThere are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and
swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get
tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should
pull over and ask for directions?" The other sperm replies,
"Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."
So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's
almost dead and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask,
"Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?" The
almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?" The two
sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so
that we can try and fertilize the egg."
The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms
look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so
funny?" The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and
replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...you're still in
the esophagus."
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():Body & Health (530): 28 Types of People You Meet in the Men's Room |
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| Posted by Patricia Pezzullo on 14-Aug-2005 | 28 Types of People You Meet in the Men's Room1. EXCITABLE:
Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2. SOCIABLE:
Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3. NOSEY:
Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4. TIMID:
Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he had
already, comes back later.
5. INDIFFERENT:
All urinals being used, pisses in the sink.
6. CLEVER:
No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the
floor.
7. WORRIED:
Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8. FRIVOLOUS:
Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or
bug.
9. ABSENT-MINDED:
Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. CHILDISH:
Pisses directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.
11. SNEAKY:
Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
the next stall will get blamed.
12. PATIENT:
Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with free
hand.
13. DESPARATE:
Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14. TOUGH:
Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15. EFFICIENT:
Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16. FAT:
Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoes.
17. LITTLE:
Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18. DRUNK:
Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19. DISGRUNTLED:
Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. CONCEITED:
Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
21. IMPATIENT:
Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in front
of him.
22. HUNTER:
Gets out of camper, unzips fly, steps of cliff, never pisses,
but does scare the shit out of himself.
23. WITHDRAWN:
Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminate noise.
24. CROSS-EYED:
Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the center,
flushes one on the right.
25. CURIOUS:
Looks over at neighbor, pisses in neighbor's pocket.
26. COMPETITIVE:
Stands back, and challenges others to distance contest.
27. SHOW OFF:
Stands with back to urinal, and slings tool over shoulder.
28. CONFUSED:
Woman in wrong washroom wondering what's with the funny sinks.
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| Posted by Tim B on 14-Aug-2005 | The Love DressThe mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married
couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw
her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and
it
makes me
happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will
be
home from
work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On
the way
home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her
husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by
the
door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.
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