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():love jokes (2491): Flattery Will Get You Nowhere |
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| Posted by Moya R. Hodek on 14-Aug-2005 | Flattery Will Get You NowhereOn the way home from a party, the woman said to her husband,
"Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to
women you are?"
"Why no," the flattered husband said.
"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?" she yelled.
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():love jokes (2491): Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses |
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| Posted by Gone T. Postal on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses16. Ow ... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey...Who are you?
15. I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now
for you and my vibrator.
14. I've got this disease... It's called herpigonosyphalaids.
very contagious.
13. You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same
age? Well, that doesn't work for me either.
12. We're just so different you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm
an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of
course *I'm* not a physically repulsive psychopath.
11. You've gone from "sponge-worthy" to merely "spongy".
10. Dear Christine: By the time you read this, I will be a woman.
9. I have early-onset onanism.
8. You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately
lonely man I fell in love with.
7. My penis,uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah...on the
subway I think.
6. "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you are
anymore.
5. My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in
order to train them to attack your picture.
4. It's not you, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep
with your sister.
3. I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the
place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose.
2. We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a
morning person, and I want to see you're severed head impaled
on a steel railroad spike.
1. I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be
ruining.
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| Posted by dove on 14-Aug-2005 | Honeymoon SurpriseA man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis
in the car door. He goes to the doctor and the doctor says,
"We're going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says, "No
way, Doc. I'm getting married in a week." The Doc replies,
"Well, if we don't, It's going to be bent for the rest of you
life."
Finally, the guy agrees and the doctor gets out a couple of
tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up. (a week later,
and he's on his honeymoon...) His new wife is doing a slow,
seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and
says, "See these? They've never been touched by a man before."
She then takes off her panties and says, "See this? It's never
been seen by a man before." So, the husband whips off his shorts
and says, "See this? I'ts not even out of the crate yet!"
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():love jokes (2491): Deep Thoughts About Marriage |
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| Posted by yazziegurl on 14-Aug-2005 | Deep Thoughts About MarriageDeep Thoughts about Marriage
There was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married and then it was too late.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really
finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives
and the wife takes.
Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the
woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbours listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked
the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
Getting married is very much like going to a continental
restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you
see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence- a life sentence!!!
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is
over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an
institution for the blind.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and
TWO under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and
found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his
sleep and found himself divorced.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage,
it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Before marriage, a man 'yearns' for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he
wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man
thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million
dollars and beat me half to death."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he
came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,
he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the
bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think
about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're
lucky, mine's still alive."
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other
guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the
honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So,
the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says
to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made
a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish,
too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It
really works
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| Posted by Sonya M. Slover on 14-Aug-2005 | The 5 Kinds of Sex1. The first kind is smurf sex. This happens during the
honeymoon period: you both keep doing it until you're blue in
the face.
2. The second kind is kitchen sex. This at the begining of the
marriage; you'll have anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3. The third kind is bedroom sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bed room.
4. The fourth kind is hallway sex. This is the phase where you
pass each other in the hallway an say, "Fuck you!"
5. The fifth kind of sex: courtroom sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife or husband screws you in front of
everyone in the courtroom.
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():love jokes (2491): Do You Smell What the Chef Is Cooking? |
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| Posted by Eliza M. Lenz on 14-Aug-2005 | Do You Smell What the Chef Is Cooking?Arriving home one evening, Joshua, a chef, finds a note from his
wife at the living room, which reads:
Hi Dear,
I've gone out with a friend; I got no time to cook for you. Cook
for yourself, in any case, you are a chef, aren't you?
Hope to see you later for a sexy evening.
Lilly
Though the chef was very pissed off, he goes ahead and cooks for
himself. Later that night, his wife arrives home and heads
straight into the bedroom, where she finds a note on the bed
from the chef, which reads:
Hi Sweetheart,
I've also gone out, I got no time to fuck you tonight, but I
left an eighteen-inch vibrator under the pillow, big enough for
you. Please find time to fuck yourself, in any case you're a
slut aren't you?
I'll be fucking a tighter pussy. Hope to see you later for
breakfast.
Josh.
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