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| Posted by G H on 14-Aug-2005 | FliesI stopped at a friends shop the other day and found him stalking
around with a flyswat. When i asked if he was getting any flies,
he answered:'Yeah, three males and two females.'
Curious, i asked him how he could tell the difference.
He replied:'Three were on the beer can and two were on the
phone'.
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| Posted by maddog on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 5 Bar Jokes1. A woman walks into a bar with her well-groomed poodle. She
yells, "this place is a pigstye." The bartender comes up to her
and say,"How can you bring that creature in here? The woman
exclaims, "I'll have you know that this is a prize winning
poodle. The guy says, "I wasn't talkin to you, lady."
2. A guy came into a bar one night and ordered two beers. He
drinks the first one and poors the second one over his hand. He
does this three times. He orders a beer. He drinks one and poors
the other one over his hand. The bartender asks him, "You're
payin for the beers so I don't care but im just wonderin, what
are you doing?" The guy says, "I'm gettin my date drunk."
3. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says, "I'll have the
Salmon Salad. The bartender says, "We dont serve food here."
4. This guy tells his friend about a bar where if you drink two
beers, you get laid. The guy says, "Great, lets go!" They both
go and have two beers. Nothing happens. They do it agin. Still
Nothing. The guy says, "I thought you said we would get laid."
"I don't know, that's what my sister told me."
5. A guy is playin a piano in a bar and he has a monkey on the
piano. The monkey drinks a few beers and starts dancing around
the bar. He pees in some guy's beer. He walks over to the piano
player and says, "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my
drink?" "No, but if you hum a few bars maybe i'll catch on."
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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 14-Aug-2005 | Are Ladies too Materialistic?A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready
to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck
passed too close and completely tore off the door on the
driver's side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone,
dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before
the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started
screaming hysterically. Her Lexus which she had just picked up
the day before was now completely destroyed and would never be
the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the
woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the
officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't
believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman. The
cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit
you."
"My God!!" screamed the woman. "Where's my tennis bracelet?!"
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():gender jokes (1878): Mommy told me not to I dont I want to |
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| Posted by Jennifer R. Sobczak on 14-Aug-2005 | Mommy told me not to I dont I want toOne day, there was a new mentaly handycap boy but no one knew
that he was handycap. all the girls thought he was really hot!
One day, the boy's mother wanted him to go bring a pie to a
little girls house wich was right next door. He knocks on the
door and the little girl awnsors it. she tells the boy to come
in and sais " take of your shoes il show you my room" "mommy
told me not to i dont think i want to" replies the boy "ill give
you a cookie" sais the girl "ok" so now they are in the girls
room. " take off my clothes" sais the girl "mommy told me not to
i dont think i want to" Il give you 2 cookies. ok . the girls
clothes are now off. take off your clothes. sais the girl. Mommy
told me not to i dont think i want to. ill give you 5 cookies.
ok. now the girl is lying on her bed, jump on me! mommy told me
not to i dont think i want to. ill give you 7 cookies. ok. while
they are f*king the dad walks in, you get the f*ck off my
doghter right now! the boy replies
mommy told me not to i dont think i want to
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| Posted by chicken E. taste on 14-Aug-2005 | CrabsOne day an english guy was wearing a thong bathing suit. He
layed in the grass all day. He woke up and his dick was itching.
He realized ne nad crabs. "I've got crotch feasants." he told
his girlfriend. "SO just shave the hair off."
So he went home got a razor and started shaving.While he was
shaving he cut his penis and his scrotum off. He went to the
doctor and he said he could perform surgery to give him a
vagina. But in would take weeks to get all of his dead insides
out. So they gave him knock out gas. He woke up a week later
feeling like he had wild sex. And the doctor came in getting
dressed. "Oh you're up well your all set." he said. "why do I
feel like I've been having wild sex?"
"Well to tell you the truth it only took me one day to fix you.
But I gave you female hormones you grew breast and longer hair.
So I had sex with you and gave you a home pregnancy test. And
we'll have a child nine months from last tuesday."
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| Posted by Lagmaster2000 on 14-Aug-2005 | Vital OrgansGod Creates the Man
When God created man he called him and said:
- Man, I have good and bad news to tell you.
- Lord, Tell me the good first! - the man answered.
- When I made you, I gave you two organs that are very
important: The Brain and the penis.
- Yes Lord, then what's the bad news?
God explained:
- You have very little blood, for that reason when you use one
of them the other one won't work.
God Creates the Woman
When God created the woman he called her and said:
- Woman, I have good and bad news to tell you.
- Lord, Tell me the good one first! - the woman answered.
- When I made you, I gave you two organs that are very
important: The Brain and the vagina.
- Yes Lord, then what's the bad news?
God explained:
- You have too much blood, and since you won't use the first one
very often, the other one will put out the exceeding every
month.
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