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| Posted by Ryan C. on 09-Aug-2005 | Flip a coinAfter the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, she asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
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| Posted by Lubo on 09-Aug-2005 | Great inventionsHenry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".
So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
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| Posted by *princess jaderz* on 09-Aug-2005 | Prostitute feesA guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "How much?"
She replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up."
He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, "It's my hairdresser's fee!"
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by collazo on 09-Aug-2005 | Second opinionA man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed.
The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."
"You're going to stick that finger up my ass?" the patient asked.
"Yes." The doctor said.
"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ass."
"Why?" asked the doctor
The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci and Curtis
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| Posted by DAVID on 09-Aug-2005 | DiaryDEAR DIARY
Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in
the bathroom and cried.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,
and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix
his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this
will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift
something other than his mood.
Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't
think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing
the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also
getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And
to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and
Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my
armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous ..
Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to
bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit
on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over
any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going
back on Prozac.
Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.
Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all
day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him. What absolute bliss!!.
Submitted by Curtis
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| Posted by Horse's Heaven on 09-Aug-2005 | Good watermelonAt a gynecologists' convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on "The Variation of the Clitoris".
"One of the most unusual cases I ever came across," he told his audience, "was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon."
Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.
Goldfinger stared him down and replied: "I wasn't refering to size but to taste."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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