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| Posted by steven Burgess on 09-Aug-2005 | Heads upA hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Wai-San Kwan on 09-Aug-2005 | Men's rulesThey are all numbered 1. on purpose
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides,let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched, we do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape, round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Smith on 09-Aug-2005 | Golf"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Tom's wife Gladys.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went."
"You're seventy five years old, Tom!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take my brother Bob along?"
"But he's eighty five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Tom.
"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Gladys pointed out.
The next day Tom teed off with Bob looking on. Tom swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Did you see where it went?" asked Tom.
"Yup," Bob answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Tom, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by DODGY DUDE on 09-Aug-2005 | Hearing aidTwo elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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| Posted by Joon Yoon on 09-Aug-2005 | Perfect shotA guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What`s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. I know your uphill shots. You don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Some One on 09-Aug-2005 | Why men snoreWhy do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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