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| Posted by dove on 14-Aug-2005 | Honeymoon SurpriseA man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis
in the car door. He goes to the doctor and the doctor says,
"We're going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says, "No
way, Doc. I'm getting married in a week." The Doc replies,
"Well, if we don't, It's going to be bent for the rest of you
life."
Finally, the guy agrees and the doctor gets out a couple of
tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up. (a week later,
and he's on his honeymoon...) His new wife is doing a slow,
seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and
says, "See these? They've never been touched by a man before."
She then takes off her panties and says, "See this? It's never
been seen by a man before." So, the husband whips off his shorts
and says, "See this? I'ts not even out of the crate yet!"
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():love jokes (2491): Deep Thoughts About Marriage |
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| Posted by yazziegurl on 14-Aug-2005 | Deep Thoughts About MarriageDeep Thoughts about Marriage
There was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married and then it was too late.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really
finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives
and the wife takes.
Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the
woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbours listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked
the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
Getting married is very much like going to a continental
restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you
see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence- a life sentence!!!
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is
over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an
institution for the blind.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and
TWO under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and
found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his
sleep and found himself divorced.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage,
it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Before marriage, a man 'yearns' for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he
wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man
thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million
dollars and beat me half to death."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he
came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,
he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the
bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think
about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're
lucky, mine's still alive."
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other
guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the
honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So,
the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says
to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made
a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish,
too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It
really works
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| Posted by Sonya M. Slover on 14-Aug-2005 | The 5 Kinds of Sex1. The first kind is smurf sex. This happens during the
honeymoon period: you both keep doing it until you're blue in
the face.
2. The second kind is kitchen sex. This at the begining of the
marriage; you'll have anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3. The third kind is bedroom sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bed room.
4. The fourth kind is hallway sex. This is the phase where you
pass each other in the hallway an say, "Fuck you!"
5. The fifth kind of sex: courtroom sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife or husband screws you in front of
everyone in the courtroom.
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():love jokes (2491): Do You Smell What the Chef Is Cooking? |
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| Posted by Eliza M. Lenz on 14-Aug-2005 | Do You Smell What the Chef Is Cooking?Arriving home one evening, Joshua, a chef, finds a note from his
wife at the living room, which reads:
Hi Dear,
I've gone out with a friend; I got no time to cook for you. Cook
for yourself, in any case, you are a chef, aren't you?
Hope to see you later for a sexy evening.
Lilly
Though the chef was very pissed off, he goes ahead and cooks for
himself. Later that night, his wife arrives home and heads
straight into the bedroom, where she finds a note on the bed
from the chef, which reads:
Hi Sweetheart,
I've also gone out, I got no time to fuck you tonight, but I
left an eighteen-inch vibrator under the pillow, big enough for
you. Please find time to fuck yourself, in any case you're a
slut aren't you?
I'll be fucking a tighter pussy. Hope to see you later for
breakfast.
Josh.
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| Posted by Jason J. Barber on 14-Aug-2005 | Memory SchoolTwo elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Thursday evenings as they had
done for the past 35 years. Jim, the older man, had been having problems
remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of of the card game Ed said to Jim, "You did very well tonight.
You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Jim replied, "Why, ever
since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at
all!" "Memory school...what memory school?" his friend asks. Jim thought
for a moment "Oh! What's that flower that's red with thorns? A really
really pretty flower?" "A rose," his friend replies. "Yeah....that's it!"
Jim turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that
memory school you sent me to?"
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| Posted by Kayli on 14-Aug-2005 | 12 Days of ChristmasDecember 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please
stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just
lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
=========================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you
rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole
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