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| Posted by ness on 13-Aug-2005 | Husbands and Wives, Volume: 73,983,512You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. ''My wife and I are completely equal partners,'' is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ''There was water in the carburetor.'' I said, ''Where's the car?'' She said, ''In the lake.'' -- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
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| Posted by Denise L. Williams on 13-Aug-2005 | Why Nagging a Man Doesn't WorkWoman: 'This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!'
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
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():battle of sexes (734): Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are?? |
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| Posted by Tom J. L on 13-Aug-2005 | Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are??CHOCOLATE
Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called 'Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion' or some such thing.
I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.
The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles.
After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic.
'Hey, this is pretty good,' she'll say. 'You want some?'
No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men - 'Chocolate. Your thoughts?' - and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: 'Uuh... it's brown?'
Ask women the same question, and you get responses like 'The ONLY food group,' 'ESSENTIAL to life as we know it,' and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, 'Better than sex.' Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat.
Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on.
Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu.
Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough.
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| Posted by LUSHLEY on 13-Aug-2005 | Relationship Score Card!
1) SIMPLE DUTIES-
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 You pummel it with a six iron: +10 It's her cat: -10
2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS-
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3 And the television is off: -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear:-6 And you didn't even go to college: -10 And it's not really your underwear: -15
4) HER BIRTHDAY-
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10 With her credit card: -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25 Which is in Detroit: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -1
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -50
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