How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen...

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Have you heard the one about the . . . ....

. . . executive who was so old that when he chased his secretary around the desk, he couldn't remember why.

One night a drunk is walking down the sidewalk...

The officer says to the man,"sir are you ok?"

"Officer someone just stole my car!"

"Now sir how do you know someone stole your car?"

The man replies,"Well, the last time I saw it, it was at the end of my key!"

The officer says,"Jesus Christ your drunk, for God's sake I should arrest you for indecent exposure," pointing to the man's crotch,"you have your dick hanging out of your pants!"

The man looks down and says "Holy shit!"

"Now what?"

"Someone just stole my girlfriend!"

A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian....

The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

One day a lady went to the doctors' office...

So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that "if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you."

So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day. She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.

Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong the little kid said, "My mom is dead, my sister is pregnent, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, here kitty kitty kitty"

A fellow went to work one day and was met...

The fellow then started to drive home when the steering went out on his car and he ran into a carload of nuns. After the policeman let him go with the collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to find out that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his insurance ran out last week.

On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some money and found out that his wife had been there earlier with his best friend and emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his way home and saw the fire engines heading down his street. Upon arriving at his house, he discovered that it was indeed his house on fire. The fire chief was sure that it was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the insurance company, he found that the homeowner's insurance also had been cancelled.

By now the fellow was somewhat depressed and went into the local bar. As he was telling his troubles to the bartender the bartender said, "You've got the chance of a lifetime. All your obligations are gone and you can start all over. Why don't you take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry Hill, pick huckleberries, and go door to door selling them."

Well, this sounded O.K. to the fellow, so off he went. After picking most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At the first house he stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take all his huckleberries but would he mind coming around to the back door. As the fellow got to the back door the woman opened it and was totally nude. (And not hard on the eyes.)

The fellow just broke down and was weeping hysterically. The woman was quite beside herself and asked what the problem was. The fellow answered "I've lost my job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been cancelled, and now I'm going to be screwed out of my huckleberries."