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| Posted by Nathan Burns on 13-Aug-2005 | Newlywed RulesA fairly typical, great looking, athletic, macho young man, married a fairly typical great-looking young lady.
Asserting his manly dominance, right after the honeymoon, the groom laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you.
'I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.
'I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want, with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
'Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me.
'Just understand: there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.'
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| Posted by Chid V. Dam on 13-Aug-2005 | Soldier at AttentionMr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, pretty, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation she noticed his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, 'Mr. Smith, do you know your barracks door is open?'
He didn't immediately understand her remark but later on he glanced down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. He called her in and asked, 'By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did notice the soldier standing at attention?'
'Why, no Mr. Smith,' she replied sweetly, 'all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags.'
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| Posted by Josh Price on 13-Aug-2005 | Mule & the Mother-in-lawA newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, 'The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.''
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| Posted by Chapane on 13-Aug-2005 | Snails...A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket and get some.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, 'Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me?' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed 'Oh no' 'My wife's dinner party'. He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then looked at her, then back at the snails and said, 'Come on guys we're almost there'.
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| Posted by Justin Andre on 13-Aug-2005 | Doing LaundryA newly married couple returned to their apartment after being on honeymoon. ''Care to go upstairs and do it?'' the husband asked. ''Sh!'' said the bride ''All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?'' So, the following night, the husband asks, ''I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?''
''No, I definitely shut it,'' replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, ''I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?''
''No, thanks,'' said the husband. ''It was only a small load so I did it by hand.''
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