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():love jokes (2491): How to live Happily Ever After |
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| Posted by Mike P. Whoopi on 14-Aug-2005 | How to live Happily Ever After For all you aspiring knights in shining armor and beautiful
damsel wannabees, if you would like to achive the fabled Happily
Ever After in your life, just follow these simple instructions.
~For guys looking for a girl~
1) Buy the fanciest, shiniest armor money can buy. If it's not
white, spray-paint it. Ditto for a valiant steed.
2) Look for the ugliest fortuneteller on the block, and ask
where the nearest maiden is.
3) Snore through her 15 minute fairytale, and head off in any
direction.
4) Look for any lone tower that was built in the middle of
nowhere for no known purpose whatsoever.
5) Rescue the maiden by paying off the resident dragon to fake
his death.
6) Seek out some contraceptives after you bring her home.
~For girls looking for a guy~
1) Buy the fanciest, softest dress money can buy. If it's not
white, dye it.
2) Go to the ugliest fortuneteller on the block and ask for
beauty tips. Do the opposite of what she instructs.
3) Have a single tower get built in the middle of nowhere.
4) Make yourself appear to be in distress by paying off the
resident dragon to guard you while you practice sleeping so
you appear to be under a spell.
5) Do not, and I repeat do not, make any sudden moves until
AFTER your valiant knight kisses you.
6) After he takes you to his home, threaten him that if he
would like you to remain a beautiful maiden, that he ought to
search for some contraceptives.
If you follow these quick and easy steps, you will be well
on your way to living Happily Ever After.
Sincerely,
The resident dragon.
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| Posted by Jo Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | Dear Tech SupportTech Support'
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to
the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.
--Desperate
***
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install
Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour
7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly"
wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
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| Posted by Amy M. Poh on 14-Aug-2005 | scopeA guy needed a new scope for his shotgun so he went to a shop
and asked the guy if he could buy a scope
the guy said yes we sell them so then the guy said this is the
best scope he said you could see my house from
here and the guy said why is there a naked man and woman running
around your house the clerk said let me
take a look and he gave the guy two bullets and said i want you
to shoot off the guys dick and my wifes
head so then the guy looked through the scope and said i think i
can do that in one shot
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():love jokes (2491): Santa and the thoughtful 20 year old |
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| Posted by Cody G. Jackson on 14-Aug-2005 | Santa and the thoughtful 20 year old
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised
when a young lady about twenty years old walked
up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her,
"What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very
thoughtful of you," smiled Santa.
"What do you want me to bring her?"
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
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| Posted by Not Kool Man on 14-Aug-2005 | The Big Red RingThere once was a guy who had a Big Red Ring around his dick! So
one day he went to the doctors and said " Doc, Doc there's a Big
Red Ring around my dick. And i can't get rid of it!!" So the Doc
said "here i got these pills you take evry night and don't miss
one night cause if you do you'll mess it all up, and it'll never
work"!So that night the guy went home and took the pill.Then a
few days later he came back,"Doc, Doc the Big Red Ring, the Big
Red Ring it's still there!!! So the Doc said ," Here's some
cream take it home and do the same thing!" So the guy took it
home and did the same thing as before. A few days later he came
back to the doctors." Doc, Doc the Big Red Ring, the Big Red
Ring it's still there, it's still there! So the Doc gave him
some more cream and told him to do the same thing as before. So
the next day the guy comes back," Doc, Doc the Big Red Ring, the
Big Red Ring it's gone, it's gone!!! What was that stuff, what
was that stuff?! The Doc looks at him and goes O that was just
lipstick remover!!!!!!!
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| Posted by Labblue* on 14-Aug-2005 | The anniversery giftOne day a woman needed to get something for her husband for
their anniversery. She decides that it would be really nice to
get him a pet. So she goes to the local pet store and goes
straight to the front desks and asks the person at the counter
"I need a present for my husband for are anniversery what type
of pet should I get him?" she asked. "Well we have plenty of
dogs and men allways like dogs" he said. "No, that wont do
because he is allergic to them". "I know, I have just the thing"
as he says this he runs into the back of the store. A few
minutes later comes back with a cage and inside it is a huge
toad. "This is one of my most valued possesions and I'm willing
to give it to you for only fifty dollars" the clerk says. "I'm
not going to pay fifty dollars for a toad" she yells. "Well this
isn't any ordinarry toad it gives the best blow jobs in the
world". "Well his anniversery is tomorrow and I do really need a
gift so I guess I'll take it" and then she bought the toad and
went straight home. The next day the husband recieves his gift
and says "a toad is that all I get?". "Its not any toad it
supposedlly gives the best blow jobs ever and cant you just at
least try it once?". He agrees a gives it a try and the clerk
was right. The toad gave him the best blow job he has ever had.
The next night the wife is about to fall asleep when she hears a
lot of noise coming down stairs like pots and pans being banged
togeather. So she goes down stairs to see what the noise is. The
wife sees the husband doing something with the toad and she asks
"what are you doing"? The husband replies "If I can teach this
toad to cook then your out of here bitch".
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