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| Posted by hottsk8er on 14-Aug-2005 | Johnny HumperThere once was a little boy named Johnny Humper.
One day a girl he liked came over. And they started making out.
He took off her shirt (viza versa) until they both were
undressed.
He layed ontop of her and thrusted it in her.
Johnny's parents walk in and say, "JOHNNY HUMPER!"
He looks up and says, "I can't do it any harder I am trying!"
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| Posted by HotDani19 on 12-Aug-2005 | Doctor DoctorOne day a man walked into a doctors office and said doctor you have to help me I feel terrible.
Whats the matter repied the doctor.
I broke my wifes virginity.
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| Posted by William Menzen on 14-Aug-2005 | 18 Holes!!!There were three guys who needed somewhere to sleep. There was a
barn full of chickes, a barn full of cows, and a bran full of 18
naked women. The first guy slept with the chickens the next wiht
the cows and then the next with the 18 naked women. The next
morning the first guy came out with chicken feathers all over
him and said, "I feel like a chicken." The second came out with
cow shit all over him and said, "I feel like a cow." The third
came out and said, "I feel like a golf ball, I went through 18
holes in one night."
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():sex jokes (1888): Standardized Guide to the Bases |
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| Posted by Morpheus on 14-Aug-2005 | Standardized Guide to the BasesDo you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do
you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?
"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they
got to second base!"
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base?
Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older.
What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using
baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face
it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of
sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex
metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and
with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide
to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old
days.
First Base: This was almost always kissing, although one guy I
knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.
Second Base: Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast
feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
Third Base: Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or
your partner.
Home Run: This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
That system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new
factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the
exact definitions? We have attempted to answer such puzzling
questions and present without further ado... The Standardized
Guide to the Bases!
On Deck: Having plans for a date.
Strike-Out: Duh!!
Walk: Kissing.
Bunt: Masturbation.
Single: Tongue kissing.
Double: Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
grabbing and feels.
Triple: Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation.
Inside the park home run: Oral Sex.
Home Run: SEX!
Ground Rule Double: would have sex, but no condom.
Error: Condom breaks during sex.
Banned for life for gambling: sex without a condom.
Hall of Fame: Marriage.
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
Balk: Premature ejaculation.
Pine Tar: KY jelly.
Relief pitcher: Vibrator.
Rain Delay: parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
Box Seats: Waterbed.
Seventh Inning Stretch: Unusual positions.
Rookie: Virgin.
Minor Leagues: Under 18.
Loaded Bases: manage a trois.
Grand Slam: Sex three times in twelve hours.
Foul tip: VD.
Three up and three down: impotency.
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY: we um got to third base I guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY: first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time. NEW
WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a
relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the
confusion and helps you out.
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| Posted by barbara coleman on 14-Aug-2005 | Golf LessonsA married couple decided to take some golf lessons...
The husband went first. Now the husband was terrible at it! He
couldn't even hit the ball! So, the golf instructor told him to
imagine tha he was holding onto his wifes breasts. The husband
swung the club...and lo and behold! He actually made a hole in
one!
Now it was the wife's turn. She was just as bad as her husband.
So, the instructor told her to hold it as if she were holding
her husband's penis. She swung the club...but the ball didn't go
anywhere! The instructor tells her, "That's fine ma'am but you
gotta take the club out of your mouth!"
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| Posted by Snow Man on 14-Aug-2005 | Golf LessonsA husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a
local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto
the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and
hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro,
"Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The
man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf
pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball
goes 30 yards. Golfpro, "Not bad, try holding the club like you
hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golfpro, "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth
and hit the ball."
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