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| Posted by Charlie W. Schwartz on 14-Aug-2005 | KissesAn engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get
such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the motorcycle to the ground, took off all her clothes and said
'Take what you want.' " The second engineer nodded approvingly.
"Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much
does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking
male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten
yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his
face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth,
then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and
pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will
pay the bill," she smiled.
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| Posted by Sam T. Brauer on 14-Aug-2005 | The Search for the Perfect WomanAn extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and raise a
family. With that as his mission he began searching for the
perfect woman.
After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the east
coast, he decided to head west. Soon he came across a farmer who
had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his
breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking
for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married,
so you've come to the right place. Look over them and decide
which one you wanna marry."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that
you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
So the man dated the second daughter. The next day the farmer
asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice, cross-eyed."
So then the man dated the third daughter. The next morning the
man rushed in, exclaiming, "She's perfect! She's perfect! She's
the one I want to marry!" So they were immediately wed.
Nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the
nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the most hideous,
ugliest, most pathetic baby you could imagine. He rushed to his
father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen, considering
his parents were perfect.
"Well," replied the farmer, "she was just a weeeeeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
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| Posted by stephen w. mckenna on 14-Aug-2005 | Life StagesGREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the
time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
ground.
5) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not
the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can
get.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can
make a person gain five pounds.
6) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
7) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
8) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
9) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
10) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
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| Posted by Arty S. Choco on 14-Aug-2005 | Dirty Football BroadcastThe Top 20 Things You Hear In A Football Broadcast... That Sound
Dirty -- But Aren't
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start
pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line)
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
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| Posted by Ashley P. G on 14-Aug-2005 | Dogs vs. MenDogs are better then Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never
laugh at how you throw).
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they
know the most important thing is that you're together.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
Dogs don't correct your stories.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a
younger owner.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs take care of their own needs.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind. Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women.s crotches.
Neither does any dishes. Both fart shamelessly.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
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| Posted by iRiShBaBi Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | The SausageOne day a little cat was walking through the park when he came
across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the
bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat
was feeling quite puckish so as the water wasn't that deep he
reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and
ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he
peered into the pond again. There was another sausage but this
time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but this
time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked
the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous
Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond. It looked so
delicious but it was so deep that he had to actually put the
whole of his body into the pond to reach the sausage. He found
it very tasty.
The moral of the story is
The bigger the sausage - the wetter the pussy.
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