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| Posted by usher on 14-Aug-2005 | PoofOne day in heaven three guys (a nimphomanic, a rich guy, and a
gay guy) walk up to god and tell him that they wanted another
chance back on earth. God thought about it and told them he
would give them a another chance but there were things that they
would have 2 give up when they got to earth. They said sure
whatever it takes.
To the nimpho god said,"you have 2 give up sex."
Not to happy the guy says,"sure i can do that."
To the rich guy god says,"you have to give up money."
Not to happy he replys,"sure i can do that."
To the gay guy god says,"you have to give up having sex with
guys."
Very upset he replys,"sure i can do that."
God says,"now if u disobey me and do everything i told u to give
up you will come right back to me forever.
The guys are not worried about it and with confidence they all
say that they can do it. They could do anything to walk the
earth again.
So then god sends them to earth.
When they get down to earth they are really happy and decide to
walk together down the street.
As they are walking down the street the nimpho takes notice to a
very hot girl walking across the street. He decides to go talk
to her because god said he just couldnt have sex, but when he
was talkin to her he couldnt take it and got her into a hotel
room got her clothes of and poof... he was gone.
The rich guy and gay guy are still walkin and they come across a
$100 bill. He tries to ignore it but he cant. So he bends over
and grabs the $100 bill and poof...poof...
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| Posted by Big Head Bill on 14-Aug-2005 | Dildo PatchTwo gay guys are in a bathroom using the urinals. The one guy
looks at the other guy's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm
patch on it. He turns to the guy and says, "I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your
penis." The other guy replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to 2 butts a day."
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| Posted by Jimmy Sampson on 14-Aug-2005 | Deductive ReasoningNeighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to
be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?
"New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a
dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce
that you have a family.
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a
wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you
are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in
next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "You must be gay!"
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():gay jokes (100): A Guy Dies and Finds Himself in Hell |
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| Posted by Matt L. Giardina on 14-Aug-2005 | A Guy Dies and Finds Himself in HellOne day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's
all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, guinness, wine coolers,
diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some
more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out.
If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps,
blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow
poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's
okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...
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| Posted by Trish T. Mai on 14-Aug-2005 | Lesbian in a BarA guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a girl and starts
flirting with her. She turns around and says, "You know, I'm a
lesbian." He just nods and keeps flirting. So she turns around
again and says to him, "Do you know what a lesbian is?" He
replies no. She says, "You see that woman there. I want to strip
her down and have open sex with her all over the floor." Upon
hearing that, the man starts sobbing. She asks, "What's wrong?"
And he says, "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
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| Posted by daniel bud on 14-Aug-2005 | First Datemy friends first date true story he told me
6:00 pm
arrives at girls house
is told she is getting ready
father stares menacingly from across the den
6:10 pm
father blinks
girl comes down half naked to find bra
father covers boys eyes
6:30 pm
girl is finally ready
get in car
wont start
father gives advise
6:45 pm
car starts
girls sleeping cat dies inside car
car smells
7:00 pm
movie sold out
only movie avaliable: Shallow Hal
7:01 pm
leave in disgust
go out to dinner
7:10 pm
arrive at resterant
no reservation
has to slip waiter $100 to get table
7:15 pm
asks to go to bathroom
7:20 pm
goes in stall
glasses fall in toilet
7:25 pm
realizes glasses fell in toilet after taking a dump
must reach in to get glass
7:26 pm
faucet is broken
no towels must use tp
leaves white stuff on lenses and hands
7:45 pm
returns red-faced from all the cleaning
girl stares at him weird
said she ordered for them both
8:45 pm
food arrives
8:46 pm
takes first bite
finds it tasty
8:47 pm
asks what it is
8:48 pm
in the bathroom again
9:00 pm
finally nothing left in his stomach
returns to table
9:01 pm
girl says she didn't know he was alergic to oysters
asks to go dancing
boy can't dance but says yes
9:15 pm
returns to table with swollen feet
asks waiter for the strongest drink in the house
they bring him tap water
tounge is so numb from throwing up he can't tell the difference
9:20 pm
bill arrives
girl suggests going dutch
boy refuses as to not look cheep
only has enough to leave a $.01 tip
says to himself the service wasn't that good anyway
9:25 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for the black
eye the waiter gave him
9:30 pm
girl suggests going to make-out point
boy happily agrees
9:40 pm
arrives at make-out point
9:41 pm
sees girls parents in the next car
9:42 pm
moves to other side of the point
9:45 pm
heavy making out
9:46 pm
hears a knock on car window
rolls down window
girls father asks for a condom
boy floors it
father still walks with a limp
10:00 pm
arrives back at girls house
boy makes move to kiss girl
dad turns out light
girl yells "thanks dad now we can be really uninhibited"
light comes back on
10:05 pm
attempt at goodnight kiss
boy misses and falls onto girl, face on chest
10:06 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for stinging
cheek
10:10 pm
gets into car
car won't start
dad comes out with a baseball bat
steps up to side of car
car starts
boy floors it
dad walks with a limp in the other leg too
11:20 pm
arrives at home
boys dad asked how the date went
boy crys
11:21 pm
father wonders if boy is gay
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