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| Posted by hiyayaywhopee on 09-Aug-2005 | Scaring the kidsA guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' he says.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!'
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'
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| Posted by heids on 09-Aug-2005 | Agony uncleIf agony aunts were uncles:
Reader: My husband-to-be ,still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
Jim: A man's capacity to love is boundless, it has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice. expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of has behavior.
Reader: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
Jim: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Reader: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
Jim: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get mum involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Reader: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
Jim: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but with only 10 calories a spoonful it is nutritious and helps you to keep tour figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present and cook him a nice meal.
Reader: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
Jim: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget, you may wish to video yourself while doing this and to sell it at a car boot sale. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present and cook a delicious meal.
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| Posted by Leila K. Barker on 09-Aug-2005 | bungee jumpingWhat do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.
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| Posted by Briana L. Barbee on 09-Aug-2005 | Little girlA French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
'What is that?' asked the child pointing to the penis.
'Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,' replied the mother.
'I want one,' said the child.
The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
'I want one just like that,' she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, 'if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.'
'And if I'm bad?' asked the little one.
'Then,' sighed the mother, 'you will have many.'
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| Posted by Kenneth Tai on 09-Aug-2005 | I'm commingA small boy walks into his mother's room and inadvertently catches her topless.
'Mummy, Mummy, what are those?' he says, pointing to her breasts.
'Well, son,' she says, 'these are... er, balloons. And when I die, they inflate and float me up to heaven.'
Incredibly, the boy appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.
Two days later, while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.
'Mummy, Mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!'
'What do you mean?' asks his mother.
Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Daddy's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,
'God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!'
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| Posted by Mike Kool on 09-Aug-2005 | Game showJane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. She was nervous as her husband drove them home.
'I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers were. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.'
'Relax honey,' her husband, Roger, reassured her. 'It will all be OK.'
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
'Where are you going?' Jane asked.
'I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.'
After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
'Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer.'
'What is it?' she cried excitedly.
'OK, the question is, "What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?"
And the answer is, "The head, the heart and the penis."'
The couple went to sleep with Jane now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3.30 am, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
'The head, the heart, the penis,' Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
Roger asked her again in the morning as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again she replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
'Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds.'
'Hmmm, uhm, the head? She said nervously.
'Very good. Six seconds.'
'Eh, uh, the heart?
'Very good. Four seconds.'
'I, uhh, ooooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning... '
'That's close enough,' said the game show host, 'Congratulations!'
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