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| Posted by HappyFunnyBanana on 14-Aug-2005 | The Male Handbook1. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it
acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true
male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for
emergencies, i.e. when some portion of your body is on fire.
2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself
crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some
ammo.
3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the
emergency listed in Rule 1.
4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever
she mentions "love" or "commitment."
5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs.
Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.
6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her,
when you're with your friends.
7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get
tickets to the matches.
8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.
9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you
couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's
local.
10. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about
the size of her, um...
11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the
shower) or don't show up at all.
12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.
13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match
with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but
neglect to tell your significant other until the day before.
When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks
you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch
wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.
14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of --
you know how she loves them!
15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how
red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be
grateful that you're staying with her.
16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets
injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the
emergency room.
17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.
18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse
to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look
cool, right?
19. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about
cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets
you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
20. Blame everything on PMS.
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| Posted by Valerie A. Galluzzo on 14-Aug-2005 | Why God Created WomenWhy did God decide to create women?
Because unlike a man, God can admit he made a mistake, and promptly
correct the problem!
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():gender jokes (1878): Talk About Men And Be Politically Correct |
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| Posted by SwiM4LifE on 14-Aug-2005 | Talk About Men And Be Politically CorrectHe does not have a beer gut,
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet,
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid,
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time,
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding,
He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber,
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk,
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not have his head up his ass,
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short,
He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy,
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars,
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body,
He is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated,
He is Socially Challenged.
He does not eat like a pig,
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He is not a bad dancer,
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a sex machine,
He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the blankets,
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig,
He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes,
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment,
He is Monogamously Challenged.
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():gender jokes (1878): MEN: Please Read Rules Before Proceding |
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| Posted by Meme_2000 on 14-Aug-2005 | MEN: Please Read Rules Before Proceding1. Please do not talk to my breast. You won't be meeting them.
2. If you want to control someone sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men-always.
4. 51% love goddess 49% bitch.
5. My sexual preference is NO.
6. MY body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.
7. It's not the size that counts, it's... no, wait, size does
count.
8. Rrmember you horny peice of dirt, girls are made of sugar,
spice, and everything nace.
9. Men are like hardware floors, lay them right the first time
and you can walk all over them forever.
10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.
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| Posted by _Bambi_ on 14-Aug-2005 | Woman vs. HurricaneWhat does a woman and a hurricane have in common?
When they cum they're wet and wild. And when they leave, they take your
house and your car.
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| Posted by Korvak on 14-Aug-2005 | Ten types of boyfriendsTHE 10 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS
------------------------------
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as:
Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay
home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus."
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.
Mr. Prez
Let's do it in the Oval Office. Let's do it in the war room
Also known as Slick Willy, the Presidential Erection, The Commander in
briefs, The Secret Servicer, The Pocket Veto and The Executive Branch
Advantages: Fun games such as swallow the Leader.
Think of the book rights and speaking fees
I'll never have to do one of those
American Express commercials "Who Am I"
Disadvantages: Those darn perjury charges
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