Who's Cheating?...

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where
she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her
sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

How to talk about men and still be politically...

1. He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

2. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

3. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

4. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

5. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

6. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

7. He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.

8. He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

9. He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

10. He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

11. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

12. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

13. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

14. He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

15. He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

Q. What do electric trains and breasts have...

A. They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end
up playing with them.

The patient's family gathered to hear what...

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the
men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But
the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in
price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.

"Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually
been used."

On their first night to be together, the newlywed...

The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her
beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh,
aaaahhh," he exclaims, "my word, you are so beautiful, let me take your
picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart
forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to
shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe?
We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a
picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

The Truth about Relationships - a man's view...

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your
farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell
her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners
like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized
by Loving; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex
is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a
great ass.

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1. Addictions

Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day
with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are
well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash
and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to
accept that you're just being you.

2. Bodily functions

Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to
reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting
on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor.
Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head
under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends

Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and
interesting views about politics, and her unemployed 'girl'- friend Amanda is
a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After: Aunty Jane is a loudmouthed, pain-in-the-ass fascist with all the
personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't
mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex

Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck
to impress, using all your tricks -- your renowned tit grope, marathon oral
sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Sex four times a day is not
uncommon.

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have
sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span

Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her
life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with
interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't
involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to
concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are
you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

6. Overall evaluation

Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive,
loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her
previous relationships ..... but she suspects that you're full of shit.

After: She knows you're full of shit!