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():sex jokes (1888): Who's the child's father? |
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| Posted by Lehe c. wentzell on 13-Aug-2005 | Who's the child's father?A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, ''Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?''
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. ''Yes. Yes he did.'' The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks ''Who? Who was he? Who was the father?''
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, ''You.''
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| Posted by Chris Hammond on 13-Aug-2005 | Cats in heatA veterinarian surgeon had had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. ''Is this the vet?'' asked an elderly lady's voice. ''Yes, it is,'' replied the vet, ''Is this an emergency?''
''Well, sort of'', said the elderly lady, ''there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?''
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, ''Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone.'' ''Really?'' said the elderly lady, ''Will that stop them?'' ''It should,'' said the vet, ''it stopped ME!''
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| Posted by Curt D. Hager on 13-Aug-2005 | Newlywed troublesA young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. ''Father,'' he said, ''I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.''
His father replied, ''Don't you love this girl?''
''Oh yes, very much,'' he said, ''but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.''
''No problem,'' said dad, ''all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed.'' Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.'' Mom,'' she said, ''When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful.''
''Honey,'' her mother consoled, ''everyone has bad breath in the morning.''
''No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fianc?Še will not want to sleep in the same room with me.''
Her mother said simply, ''Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.''
''I shouldn't say good morning or anything?'' the daughter asked. ''Not a word,'' her mother affirmed. ''Well, it's certainly worth a try,'' she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, ''What on earth are you doing?''
''Oh, my,'' he replies, ''you've swallowed my sock!''
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| Posted by Philippe Ballerstedt on 13-Aug-2005 | The morning afterA young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, ''What's that?'' pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, ''Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night.''
And she, in amazement, asked, ''Is that all we have left?''
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