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| Posted by Suck Balls on 09-Aug-2005 | Why a Christmas TreeA Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
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| Posted by Anna P. Crist on 09-Aug-2005 | All I Want for ChrisI'll give you a nice long wet kiss To start off our yule tide bliss Then once I've romanced ya It's time I depantsed ya By whipping your zipper like this!
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| Posted by David T. Calabrese on 09-Aug-2005 | The Fishing TripA woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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| Posted by Ruth e. conners on 09-Aug-2005 | Sex And CaloriesHow much weight do we lose during sex?
The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.
Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.
EXAMPLES:
1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.
PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)
ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268
MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15 If you are anxious: 43 If you beg: 100
SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5 If you are rich (credit card): 15 If you are poor: 200
INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4 Casually rummaging around: 7 Seriously rummaging around: 42
REMOVING CLOTHES With partner's consent: 12 Without partner's consent: 187 Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418
AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner's ear: 15 Blowing in your own ear: 2,512
DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed) Partner looks better with clothes on: 10 Partner wears corrective underwear: 15 Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100 You don't mind: 0.25 Partner wearing elevated socks: 50
DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4 Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18 Completely missing: 126
POSITIONS Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26 German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48 English (woman on top; man hiding): 15 American (both on top): 1,243
AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36 Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612 Sneezing (during intercourse): 7 Sneezing (during orgasm): 588
ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5 Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72 Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1 Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17 Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133 Calling your partner the wrong name: 50
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15 Expression didn't change: 0.5 Room turned purple: 4 Face turned purple: 78 Earth moved: 30 If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588 Moaning in Turkish: 506
THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX "I am so grateful": 15 "It must have been something we ate": 15 "Was it good for you?"
: 15 "Are you finished?"
: 15
TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5 If man is not: 563
ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18 During sex: 546 While parking car: 212
SLEEP Real: 5 Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74
TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5 In a sink: 150 In a jacuzzi: 15,269
MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)
KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss.You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:
December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12 Suggesting something different: 3 Calming terrified Harold: 40 Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8 Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56 Intercourse (standing position): 22 Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10 Intercourse (urging him on): 5 Orgasm: not sure Thanking Harold: 3 Waving bye-bye: 1 Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting) Total calories burned: 160
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| Posted by cody AKA:boomhower on 09-Aug-2005 | Over ExertionAn 85 year old man, marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.
After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.
As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."
The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, ???Have I already been here this evening?"
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| Posted by Aaron knight on 09-Aug-2005 | Iron this?!A young man went to Victoria's Secret to buy a Christmas present. The clerk brought out a nightie that cost $50.00 and the man said,"Oh, I can afford more than that". So she brought a skimpy pair of panties for $100.00 He again said,"Oh, I can afford more than that". So she went in the back room and beautifully wrapped an empty box and said that will be $250.00. He took it home, handed it to his wife and asked her to try the gift on. She took the package upstairs, opened it and saw nothing in it. She came down stairs in her birthday suit and said, "How do you like it?"
He said, "Fine, but for that much money you would think they would iron it".
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