Why Girls Rule!...

Why Girls Rule!



Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess

I have two mounds upon my bodice

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee

I can justify any shopping spree

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon

Can get a massage without a hard on



Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas

Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass

I always save money by using coupons

Can admit to others when I am wrong



Don't drive in circles at any cost

So I don't have to admit when I am lost

Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon

Every time I go to the john



Let me tell you men

Listen up boys

Those things in your pants

That you treat as toys

You love them more than we ever will

We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill



I spend two hours preparing for a date

Only to find you're two hours late

I don't watch movies with lots of gore

Don't need instant replay to remember the score



I won't loose my hair

I don't get jock itch

And just cause I'm sensitive

Don't call me a bitch



I dont' wear the same underwear everyday

The food in my fridge has no sign of decay

I don't go to Sears

To look at the tools

I don't cheat at poker

I follow the rules



I don't read magazines about cars

Don't pay for drinks at bars

I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"

And it's o.k. for me to cry



I know all you men

Think you're "IT"

But compared to a woman

You just ain't SHIT!

Q. How many men does it take to screw in...

A. One..Men will screw anything.

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should...

	1.  In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

	a) Lovemaking

	b) Screwing

	c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town



	2.  You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've

	both shared:

	a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

	b) Your blood-test results

	c) Five tequila slammers



	 3.  You time your orgasm so that:

	a) Your partner climaxes first

	b) You both climax simultaneously

	c) You don't miss Sports Update



	4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

	a) Healthy, creative love-play

	b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

	c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about



	 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

	a) The best part of the experience

	c) The second best part of the experience

	c) $100 extra



	6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last

	month.  You tell here that it is:

	a) No concern of yours

	b) Not a problem - she can join your gym

	c) A conservative estimate





	7.  Your think today's sensitive, caring man is:

	a) A myth

	b) An oxymoron

	c) A moron



	8.  foreplay is to sex as:

	a) Appetizer is to entree

	b) Priming is to painting

	c) A queue is to an amusement park ride



	9.  Which of the following are you most likely find yourself saying

	at the end of a relationship?

	a) "I hope we can still be friends."

	b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..."

	c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."



	10.  A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

	a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort

	of intimacy

	b) Is uptight and a waste of time

	c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place



	If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure

	you really are a man.



	If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still

	a little confused.



	If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN (and...

10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)

10 Things That Suck About Being A Guy...

1. You have to take out the garbage.

2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

3. No sofas in your restrooms.

4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're
not allowed to cry.

6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.

7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

8. You have to wear ties.

9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

10. "Women and children first"

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television...

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until
long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used
to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will
then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under
any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene
product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on
taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think
we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-
how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something
else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than
I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see
it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really
have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the
point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down
another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to
tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my
clothes into the front yard. What's the
connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in
the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes.
I'll do the rest.