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| Posted by Rubester on 14-Aug-2005 | Why Men Are Proud of ThemselvesPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds or less.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice
anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in 45 minutes.
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| Posted by Cassie Hart on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out
loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
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| Posted by slut j/k on 14-Aug-2005 | Definition of Outdoor BarbecuingIt's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do:
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of
events is put into motion.
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the vegetables, salad and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with all the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to
the man, who is lounging next to the barbecue, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check on the
vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she liked her "night off".
And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there is
just no pleasing some women.
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| Posted by Shea M. Lund on 14-Aug-2005 | What Men Realy Mean"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is
wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the
address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed
to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and
realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
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| Posted by Leif on 14-Aug-2005 | Men Are Like...1. Men are like department stores...
they should always have their clothes half off.
2. Men are like vacations...
they never seem to last long enough.
3. Men are like chocolate bars...
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
4. Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
5. Men are like coffee...
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
6. Men are like horoscopes...
they always tell you what to do and they are usually wrong.
7. Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store and the rest they
spend in the bathroom.
8. Men are like cement...
after getting laid, it takes them a long time to get hard.
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| Posted by Marc A. Brekke on 14-Aug-2005 | Problems With The WifeHere are a few problems and solutions you may encounter with
your wife.
Problem: Your wife wants more foreplay during sex, and you
arent really the man for the job.
Solution: Show up with 2 other girls in the bedroom and tell
her you didnt understand her, you thought she meant "four-play."
********************
Problem: Shes always buying too many damn pairs of shoes.
Solution: On her birthday, paint a few of her existing shoes a
different color and wrap them up, that might keep your bank
account at more that 2 digits.
********************
Problem: Shes always drooling over some good-looking
celebrity like Brad Pitt, and she indirectly tells you that you
should be more like him.
Solution: Casually mention to her that Pamela Anderson Lee
looks so great with her breast implants, your wife probably will
never have tits as suculant as that, and it should shut her up
for a while.
********************
Problem: Shes into torture sex (whips, phone cord, handcuffs)
but its not what you think, she wants to torture YOU.
Solution: Check out as many Harry Houdini books at the library
as possible.
********************
Problem: During the night, without noticing it, your wife
takes more than her share of the blanket, and you're always
feeling like a damn eskimo in the middle of the night, freezing
your ass off.
Solution: Slowly and carefully place the bathroom rug on top
of her while shes asleep. Then with your greatest stealth, pull
all of the blanket on your side for a good nights sleep.
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