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| Posted by Justin Hiracheta on 12-Aug-2005 | Why "Opposite Sex"?If you want to know why they are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!
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| Posted by mac115 on 12-Aug-2005 | Girl TalkGirl Lingo:
The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.
The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.
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| Posted by Joseph Feldstein on 12-Aug-2005 | On Gender DifferencesThe following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.
Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.
Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.
Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.
When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.
Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.
There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating female cooks can be.
Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.
The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.
Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.
Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.
Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do.
Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.
Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you're lost will cast doubt on your manhood. That's why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they aren't lost.
There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.
Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.
This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don't want people in the board room who don't shower each morning.
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| Posted by JenReo on 12-Aug-2005 | Little Red Riding HoodThere once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
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| Posted by Cutie23Girl on 12-Aug-2005 | 10 Way to know if you have PMS10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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| Posted by Don S. Peterson on 12-Aug-2005 | Comeback Lines!M: I know how to please a woman.
W: Then please leave me alone.
M: I want to give myself to you.
W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
M: Your hair color is fabulous.
W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
M: You look like a dream.
W: Go back to sleep.
M: I can tell that you want me.
W: Yes, I want you to leave.
M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.
M: Your body is like a temple.
W: Sorry, there are no services today.
M: Is this seat empty?
W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
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