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| Posted by austin l. sprunger on 14-Aug-2005 | Wild Rambling RoseI took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the
other evening. We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage
show afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to
part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door.
Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so
beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the
compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the
following evening.
I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked
on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in
the mouth.
Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to
do that?
She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by
the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my
encyclopedia. It said that they did not perform well in bed but when tied
to a fence or wall, rooted very well."
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| Posted by Amber L. Marriott on 14-Aug-2005 | Ten DollahsStumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy
said, "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah
aihplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that
aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... And ten dollahs is ten
dollahs."
So Stumpy says, "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't
go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies "Stumpy, that there
aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... The pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it
one more time; still nothing.... So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I
did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but
you didn't." And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something
when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
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| Posted by Matt walsh on 14-Aug-2005 | Bad Luck...A man is rushing to work one day when he is knocked down by a
car. When he comes round in the hospital, his wife is sitting
next to the bed. He turns to her and says, "When I was unpopular
at school, you took the time to get to know me and we started
dating. When I failed my degree at university, you were there
beside me. When I couldn't get a job through failing my degree,
you were there beside me. When I did get a job, the same job I
have been doing for 15 years without a pay rise, you were there
beside me. I get run over, wake up in the hospital and you are
there beside me. I have something I really need to say to
you..." Choking back tears, the man's wife moves to sit on the
bed. She gently picks up her husband's hand in hers, "Yes my
darling?" He says, "FUCK OFF YOU WITCH! YOU BRING ME BAD LUCK!"
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| Posted by - illiane - on 14-Aug-2005 | Marriage JokesGetting married is very much like going to a continental
restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you
see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really
finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That
happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives
and the wife takes.
Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the
woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked
the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".
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| Posted by KrAzYBoY on 14-Aug-2005 | Roll Your OwnA man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.
He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
Confused, she says, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons
for your wife?"
"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure, she too can roll
her own."
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| Posted by Jennifer Tanko on 14-Aug-2005 | I Didn't Do ItOne afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in
his family's house: Their four children were outside, still in
their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and
wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his
wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry he found an even bigger mess: A lamp
had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one
wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon
channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various
items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink,
breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled
on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small
pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may
be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her
lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas,
reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his
day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened
here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come
home from work you ask me what in the world I did today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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