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| Posted by mecool30 on 09-Aug-2005 | Wish, With A TwistOne day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.
He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job.
A job that no man has ever succeeded at nor has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife!"
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| Posted by cao on 09-Aug-2005 | Heart TransplantA man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep.
The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.
A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup.
The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?"
The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
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| Posted by Da Joker on 09-Aug-2005 | Not My Time!A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God Replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you!"
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| Posted by Ben T. Halbig on 09-Aug-2005 | Golf LessonsA foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet.
She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
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| Posted by Girl Cast on 09-Aug-2005 | Tough CowboyThree cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing."
"I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me."
"I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy, silent for a moment, then slowly rises, whips out his pecker and stirs the coals.
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| Posted by fantase on 09-Aug-2005 | Men's RulesMen's Rules for Women
* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry... we meant it the other way.
* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.
* We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even ask.
* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why...
* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.
* Actually, you probably don't want to know what we're thinking.
* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.
* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
* Curley is the bald one.
* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.
* Socks never constitute a gift.
* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both!
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
* When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
* No, you can't have the remote control.
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